Friday, November 21, 2008

new babysitter

ok,now i have had it.
she,my baby, does not want her diaper changed by the baby sitter.does not want to be fed by her or at times even touch i changed the i put her with a different indian lady who is telugu,has had kids and is well recomended.she stayed for half day.and u will not believe she started crying for the old babysitter today i had to take there instaed of the new one.i cannot tell the new one why she is not coming today so i tell her husband work from home so she at home.and u know what she will know its otherwise bcos my husbabds employee's kids also go to the same new lady.phew.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

days after mummy left

yep my mummy went back to India.All my attempts to take them to niagara in vain, though i did go without mummy and daddy.they had to leave early since annayya was not well,thats another story.
but after she left i dont why but for a little while i was relieved,i could do what i wanted how i wanted.there was no one to remind me of my mistakes or the other choices i could have taken in life . but all that joy was shortlived.after our vacation it was time for me to go back to work and for him too.but what about payal who will take care of her.mine was a new job i cant take lots of days off but he can,he is the boss in his it was settled that he would watch payal till my in laws arrive.but the days of waiting turned into weeks and months.looks like they will take their own sweet time to come.
so i had to take matters to my hand,i zipped through the classified and viola i have a baby sitter that sounded good. try to meet her and lo my friend's kid is me happys.
but not payal.2 weeks she was fine happy to play but no, i had to shuttle between work and her to feed her lunch.but this week isn't better she doesn't want to even stay there.oh man.mummy why did you even go.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

growing up

payal is growing up fast and man she is growing a parrot she repeats everything we say and do..from simple words to all the stories we tell her to the way we walk,brush our hair, from the way we pull up the blanket to the way her grandma reads vishnu sahasranamas,by the way her favorite bhajan is manasa bajare guru charanam.
i taught her the word all done,so that she can tell me when she is full then just push away food or throw she started using it,well in her own way,she says all done even before she starts!!!
but thats not the case for fish or her favorite egg noodles.
n then i had to tell her that her tummy will say iam hungry,akali akali antadi annanuif she does not eat you know what she says,amma tummy akali anatamledu,tummy does not say i am hungry.well thats just after a few spoonfuls.
during the olympics i used to show her the games and say look they all eat well,go to a coach n learn n compete and when you when gold medal everyone will say good job and pat on your back.she took it for few meals.then any prize ceromony she would tell the whole story again to me.oops.taste of my own medicine.
now she is like hooked on the song we will rock you by Queens.she loves it so much n it has become part and parcel of her dinner routine
she knows the whole alphabet,numbers lots of rhymes loves to color isnt hesitant in making mummy catch a spider for her!!!!!!!!!!
she will not touch them but will want mummy to hold any insect. puppies and cats,its a different story she will love to hold them.
you may not even believe it she loves it sit in bhajan at sai baba temple.all i need to do is give her also one of the aarthi books which she pretends to read.
all this and more at just 2 how will she be in a few years...........

Monday, September 8, 2008

promises broken

again and again it happens why i dont know.mummy says ,dont have high expectations it will be fine.but how is it can i not have expectations on my husband.and why on earth can he not understand me.when you say something you must keep your word however small it is. is it bad expect your husband to keep his word.i dont think so.whenever he breaks his word it hurts everytime i say please dont tell me stuff you cannot do or stuff you dont want to do.just tell me like you will will promise me so many things but very few ever happen why is it so?
i am sure he thinks i am silly,sensitive too emotional blah blah blah.well cannot help it thats me.and i am sure he also feels every little thing should not upset me.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

one month

today is my one month anniversary, month at my new job.i survived and so did my employers.
i like my job so much that i look forward for every morning now and then the feeling i used to have before,one more day i need to survive old job, i hope i never have to take it again,i worked at a day care center...i joined for fun, because i was doing nothing at that time n thought something is better than nothing...n there u go kids they r a handful lot more different than my own baby.n it was perfect for my daughter to be without me.
only two regrets,i did own my two mistakes i did this month,luckily nobodys work was effected thank GOD.
hope i dont be such a dumbo again.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


well well cant be happy for very long....not friend is moving away.already i have very few friends,because i rarely go out n make any,and the ones i had are all moving away one after the other to other these husbands cant they stay n work at one place.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

feeling alive

after a long drought i feel the rain on my heart..i am so happy.happy that i can work again in a a way i feel more alive than ever.i am doing what i always wanted.what i always loved do .for while there i doubted if i will get a job in a lab.then when i at last got one,when i was ready to give up and go back to india,i doubted if i can do it after such a long gap.then there were those times when i thought i screwed up the experiments.
but through all this i had people who believed in me more than i ever did.they taught me, be it my mother my husband or my boss,i can do anything.all i needed was to believe in myself.
thank you for believing in me and loving me so much.i want to be alive like this happy satisfied.i dont bother the long hours at work,nor the time i need to wake up to get the boxes ready.i am just plain happy now.only thing bothering is to watch my baby hesitantly waving me bye every morning.

Monday, August 4, 2008

new job..... new hopes....

i am back once again...this time i have some happy news to share.i got a new job as a research associate....GOD how long i waited for it even the 6 months felt like ages.i quit my old job in children's courtyard with a vow to never work again in a day care center n never put my baby in one until she is at least4.
today is my first at work in my new job.i am nervous superviser sounds so sweet n nice.invited me for lunch...took me all around the office n introduced to everyone.i feel at home here ,at least for now.
i just hope that i do good at this job n get the work done.praying GOD everyday that he show me the way n walk me through it.

Friday, April 11, 2008

mummy n daddy

after a long deliberation i asked my parents to come here babysit my daughter...i wanted to start a job but hated to put her in daycare.n they agreed after another month of thinking....finally the day of arrival.i am happy,maybe i have to say its a nervous happy...i was not sure how my baby will be with them,how they can handle her...i mean i pampered her a lot n she is always with n me with her,when i will get a job,what will happen ...i was so apprehensive.
the flight would arrive at 3 pm so he went to pick them them up...then we checked the flight details..delay due to rain 4pm arrival.
ok just another hour we thought.but as time passed they did not show up i was worried what happened.
5pm he calls up n says he cannot find them.flight authorities say flight has arrived n there is no sign of them or thier luggage.
now my worry turned to panic..i started calling american airlines...asking for details about the flight..all they say is flight has arrived...n would not give out any details about my parents whereabouts....all i wanted to know was if they got on the flight in new yerk n washington..nope no information......i tried to be composed,fight back my tears but could not...i could not talk on phone normally i was crying n pleading for any information they can give about them.
i was so worried bcos i made them travel this far for me my father turns 70 this year n my mum is 55 ...i get angry with them many a time n at times even hate them but not knowing how they are and where there put me in a completely new perspective.i could not bear losing them
6pm he calls me ...he found them
they were in the flight n its was on the runway all the time after landing.nobody would tell that.all they would say is everyone in that flight left.
7pm they come home.
i was never more happy or relieved seeing them
how could the authorities do such a they give wrong information that all passengers have left?dont they have any responsiblity?

Friday, March 14, 2008


sonia gandhi..time and again when i hear her name or as matter of fact any of her so called gandhi family...i just dont know how we did this to us ...i mean how come jawahar lal nehru's daughter become a gandhi when the husband's name is feroze gandhy..a parsi surname..when did the change happen and come so many dont even know that n think that they are of 'mahatma' gandhi family in the rural india,n there r lie all the votes ..when the real gandhi family lives in obscurity.
how did she rise to be the most powerful person in the country when she never wanted anything to do with indian politics and even an indian citizenship for a real long time. now here she is discussing about our nuclear policy with the world and any world leader who visits india does stop at 10 janpath as does the files from pmo and the sardarji himself.
she wanted to be our PM and so did all her super supporters in congress but according to our parliament and our constitution,no person of any country can hold a public position n our country when our countrymen cannot hold a public post in their country or simply put reciprocity former president kalaam did not allow her to be the prime minister and lo a sardharji was made prime minister...making all the sardharji jokes true.but how come she is a MP still...thanks to the supreme court
i do not disrespect him..manmohan singh is good person and experienced but was that the only criterion for his present position.
i am not bjp supportor or that of a matter of fact i dont support any party but how come in a country of 1 billion we dont have one able leader...not one person who can unite the masses and educated, a person with a vision and less of self interest...ok let him/her make some money enough for the next 10 generations or more like any other politician but still do some good to our country from the grassroots.
sounds silly right..i ok with a corrupt politician yep i know its a compromise but is there not one good leader in this country.
is it true ...the sonia gandhi family is never checked for security anywhere in india..i mean their luggage and stuff.
please someone assure me there is some hope

Monday, March 10, 2008

these days

life hasnt changed much me,yes i am trying to get myself busy....making new friends,doing odd jobs n stuff like.
when did i last write any thing maybe a month ago,since then i successfully finished my wilton course one...made lots of cakes, even got an offer to start my own bakery.still thinking about it.i catered for a party n got a good pay...did some babysitting jobs,made some flu, moved into a new apartment,finished all the packing and unpacking in 2 days,starting my new kitchen garden in my patio,waiting eagerly for mummy and daddy,diving in and out of they are bad must see a doctor soon,applying for jobs..waiting for replies..listening friends not to show a gap in resume...just put something yaar..uh..but how can i write i did a project when i did not...then they say i will not get any job here.god help me.
through all this onething wakes me up every morning from this last....a warm big hug and a soft kiss from him...makes me forget every pain every worry and gives me enough strength to face another day.
thank you sree for being so patient checking on my blog...i now know for sure there is someone who will be checking on me

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

growing up

my baby is growing and she is real fast.nowadays she wants to eat with a spoon herself at times,run for bath and pour water on her and play with soap,change her clothes..she is trying to do a lot.put all the papers she tore up into trash can,sweep the news paper under the sofa to tidy up room for visiters,pull clothes out of the dryer,even pick up the coffee cup his father left by the sofa and instead dropping it on sofa and again clean it up with a baby,my cute little baby wants to do everything.she knows no shoes inside the house and even puts them off at times.
it was funny to watch her in our new apartment...we are abt to move and were checking it out...we were wearing our shoes n lo she says take my shoes off...and we both had to remove our shoes..she went back,picked up the shoes and put them in the empty way to go dear.
makes me think she is grown up..and then comes running to me saying 'pick me up',raising her hands...want to be held,carried show her the moon...dreamily plays with my hair with a finger in her mouth...wants all my attention no sharing not even with daddy at i think she is still my baby.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


today was so different...we both woke up so early,i usually wake up for baby but get back to bed or just try for a cat nap in the morning and he wakes up around 8...whatever.
i tried to read a while and lo his boss called him for lunch so no packing him lunch also...another unusual.ok now what,made some pancakes ,by the time baby is up... fight with her to brush as usual and again so that she can eat some gerber ...hmm not so usual.
we played all day till lunch and my baby wasn't fussy and not so happy too with lunch another day another hour for time for teletubbies followed by milk..luckily i managed a couple of she is ready to buzz off.but then she keeps on waking up every 30 mins.
tryng to get her back to sleep the fourth time i dozed off...thought i can wake up around 3.30 but it was almost 4.30 when we got up.usually she pulls my hair,my eyes anything to wake up as soon she she gets up and that is within 15 minutes i join her in bed usually...what happened i wanted to read when she sleeps and ended up sleeping for soooooo long.
hurry up its almost time within an hour and half i should give her a bath have mine...prepare her dinner,his snack and between all the get her yougurt clean dishes give her milk and get ready for my first cake decoration class...yep today it is.
later when he drove me off to the class, i was so apprehensive ...he is about to feed her dinner for the first time,at hs brother's house..will she eat?what will my bro in law think?will she be okay without me?
at the class i had this wierd feeling everyone is mocking me..and even the instructor was almost said,in her words"i never thought u would...." when i said i bake my own dulce de leche cakes...i knew later why...i was dressed ok..but no make up and in all the hurry i did not comb my hair properly ..i mean its not so bad but not the usual clean how people judge on looks....its ok seen that so many times, i must get used to it
my baby was not upset as long as she was with her cousins, she did not eat her dinner properly ...he tried hard to manage her for the 2 hrs and even when she started bellowing when her hand got struck in the car seat belt..which of course she opened,on the way to pick me up...she was without me for the first time and he survived maybe becos of the cousin factor
ok goto go she is up and is crying

Monday, February 4, 2008

happy news

as i said before i posted the ad...and then it parents called me up and said they will come here and help me with my baby and i can take care of my carreer ...hey i am so what to do...i started applying for jobs...microbiologist,molecular biologist and for a science teacher.
i want to start slow, baby steps...i have away from books for a long time and almost forgot everything ...and hardly can make enough time to read...hmmm must make some changes ....from today i will leave the baby to him for a while and sit in apartment office and read.reduced all the time i spend cooking ..nomore cooking 5 times a day.
we have to move into a new apartment,saw one yesterday and we really like it but its on the third floor...its ok i hope with the baby.
need to do plenty of shopping for mummy and daddy's room.i am really looking forward for them and hope i get a job by then
the funny thing in all this was...the two ladies working in the apartment office were too charged us a 300 dollars for moving out of the present apartment...and showed us a bad one.the next day another lady comes shows a beautiful apartment and cancelled all of the 300 dollars....ring a bell..good cop and bad cop.
and now i am getting plenty of calls for baby sitting ....oops i forgot to pull the ad off

Thursday, January 31, 2008

me and my baby

i dont know it is me or every other person who advices baby is 18 month old and i really really want to go and work have a career and make some money for us.but then the problem is, i dont know what to do abt her. everyone says,hey put her in a daycare like us...but my baby is not 3 old like them...nor does she eat herself or even drink her milk herself....i have to hold her bottle or the sippy cup and i must feed her. she is starting to eat herself...but that is junk...noodles,chips,frys.
and on top of it i have trust issues,i can't just hand her off to a complete stranger and just hope they will take good care of her.
so what i did is...i placed an ad in ....that i want to baby sit and do catering.
lets see what happens now.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


this is something i wanted to share for a while and like many other things i postponed again....procrastination.... procrastination,i have to shake it off.we finally paid off all our credit card loans..well it was about 6000 or 7000 when we got married,his student loans, and then the baby expenses added up quickly.all my life i hated to be in least money wise.i felt it was always following me everywhere...and had to think a hundred times to spend a dollar.
these 2 years we tried hard to keep expenses low,with him only working,my parents stay after my delivery and the new car after the old one was totalled in an accident,lucky,he was safe,it was a rough last year.
but with the new year everything changed, we are doing great financially.saved up some already and it will all end up in her college fund and our retirement fund and promise never to be in debt again.
maybe this year i will start a job,i need to be sure i find someone who can take good care of her first.or maybe work somthing out from home.hope this year will be good careerwise also for us.i need to hang in there.

cake decoration

cakes i love ' bake and of course to eat but more to decorate them.of late my reapeated attempts to decorate my chocolate cakes fumbled and i messes up again and now i decided to take some classes for cake decoration....something i have been postponing for a while.i am all excited.
yesterday he took me to the baking supply was like alice in wonderland for me, with all the pans,cake decorations,cookie cutters,food colors..they have hundreds and hundreds of them, the sparkles and sprinkles....they were so good.i got some cookie cutters,stencils for writing on cake and designs.i felt like buying a lot more....something i usually dont do but then he talked me out of it saying u can buy whatever you want after the classes at MICHEALS.well i go back and buy next week then.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

masala chai

masala chai.....i dont drink tea and if i ever drink it must be my masala chai....n i prefer to give it to anyone who comes to my house...n they love it.
when in india i used only cardamom and ginger but now i came to know that cinnamom and black pepper are also part of it.and if honey replaces the taste is too good....not just the taste,the smell..the aroma that wafts around me ...of the spices and the honey really is so relaxing and soothing....thinking about it,i feel like making some right now.
tazo chai, the teabags,tries to come close but some how i prefer the homemade one.
by the by, the picture is from a fellow i liked her picture than there it is.

Monday, January 28, 2008


anybody following the elections08 i am well from the democrat side...i like em...i very strongly feel obama is the guy to get in the white house....not sure if any of the republican supporters can digest it....i think no...they may even accept hillary but not obama....but she dug her grave herself playing the race card even before the republicans...lemme see if american is ready to have the first ever woman president or the first ever black president....nobody knows...not yet ...if another florida does not happen...maybe this time a democrat can be the president

Friday, January 25, 2008

what's wrong?

so much is happening and so little is happening.....yeah thats how things are around me matter what i do no matter how hard i try i still end up at square one again and times i am falling into a whirlpool of emotions .....i am hitting rock bottom....some days i am so good happy,taking care of everything....and then i donno how but for the slightest reasons i snap....i just snap ....i am filled with rage anger beyond my control such times i fear to be with my baby...i fear i may hurt precious baby....i say things i hate to even think of to him.....he sits in silence.i wish he does something...i want him to do something to stop it....pull me together.
failure is my worst fear...and at a time when i thought i achieved my dreams,i left them to be with him in a country i never liked for my own i am in a strange land..without anyone to open up,no friends,no career and a baby i was not prepared for....maybe that is what is driving me mad....or the rollercoaster ride i am having is because of my post partum depression or my complete dependence on him. but whatever it is i wish i knew..i cannot sweep my feelings under the rug....reading really helps me, watching me smile makes my baby so happy wish to keep it that way....always.somehow i have to drive the negativity out and focus on our future.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


this is our second sankranthi together....last one we did nothing,we actually planned to visit my in laws but then the ice storm changed everything n we ended up staying 3 days watching out of the windows sipping hot chocolate ... but it was wonderful.
this year i we did go anywhere again thanks to her....but then i was busy cooking...i made some murukulu,rasmalai with ricotta they turned out yummy will upload some snaps.then on sankranthi had a nice puja,our traditional paramannam,garelu and kalagura(mixed veg curry with yams plantain,squashes sweet potato n beans..not as good as mom's)he was happy.i dressed her up in a new skirt n shirt ..she was so cute.i think "nene dishti pedathanemo".
i told what we did as kids on bhogi...abt the bhogi manta n all the fun we we spent on sankranthi n all the yummy things mummy cooked...god only knows how much she understood but saket thought bhogi manta

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

once again

today my co sis in law,thought she will wish us on pongal...but then she had news for me....saketh will not come anymore ....nomore babysitting,she wants to send both the kids to the same so that pickup will be easier and abhi is in a different school district so his bus wont drop him here....well i know better. its ok one more time i have to deal with her attitude.
but after seeing him all upset for his dad on makes me rethink about going back to work....does she deserve it....she cries if i leave her for a few minutes to go to bathroom,can she stay at daycare? i donno.but then what about my career n we can always use some money.
what about working at home? i have to think of the possibilities.....hope i come up with something good,good enough for me and my baby.

Saturday, January 12, 2008


this week i did something i never thought i will ever i am babysitting his nephew...they asked me when i was pregnant, i did not refuse but then they backed out for i had severe backache n cannot carry him around all the they asked me again this monday when he just refused to go to his daycare centre,children's courtyard, and i agreed was nice to see payal n him play around,kids pushing each other...i thought now payal will learn to protect her toys but no she just walks into a corner when he pulls a toy from her hand....needs a lot of time i think.and he it took me 2 days to fully win his confidence n make him feel he is home n not at a day after a week he is well adjusted n happy n payal is ok....first day she would not eat,second day got a fever, n third day onwards she is fine around hime but the minute he leaves just cling on to me.and another thing she is doing hold her dad n sleep and she wont come to my side of the bed....feels awful.
hope she gets used to this..for when i go for a real job she has to go to a nanny....
the funny part is i am not told what to feed when to...his time table i do everything the same way for both.....n she is like ....this is our game,our stuff..does not say a word but the way she looks at me....i feel guilty for putting her through....but then i can use some money,i always wanted to be self sufficient, n i dont even know much i will be paid or when......funny right.

chocolate cups

this is one of the many experiments i had with chocolate....n the kids at our new year party loved them.its a very simple recipe .......melt some chocolate chips n make moulds of muffin cups or the ones used for cup cakes, fill them with anything....i used chocolate balls ,caramel popcorn, brownies n tiramisu in them.then top with a mousse n just decorate or leave it.i loved decorated all the 50 pieces with colored sugar,sprinkles,caramel, was a hit n loved them...i am a chocoholic.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


of late i have been really into cakes,mainly bcos he refused to buy anymore cakes,i was eating a lot of them due to my depression..well i am out of it for now.but cakes and desserts i could not give up.recently my sister in law said her friend made her tiramisu n it was grt...she did not share with us...even when she knew i love cakes..
well i picked a recipe from and tried it.
first i did not know where to get the ladyfinger cookies...googled n found them in whole woods,ditto the liquer marsala and the mascarpone cheese.funny part was i searched for that cheese in walmart and heb so many times n many stores n then after i bought it in whole foods ....there it appears in both walmart n heb...maybe for the holiday season.
well i finally managed to get all the ingredients n its so damn easy to make italians really know how to eat i thought.
it was so yummy.
basically it needs no baking...all we got to do is get the ladyfinger cookies soak them in cofee liquer and pour the cheese n cream mix on them ..its that simple.
below i copied the recipe.this is something i'll treasure and will make again and again.there are so many variations available but somehow i liked this n it does taste great n was finished off in no time....i did not eat the whole of it.....we shared it with his collegues n friends...

SUGAR, 1-1/4 cups
MASCARPONE, -1-1/4 cup
HEAVY OR WHIPPING CREAM, 1-3/4 cup + 1/2 cup
LADYFINGERS, 2 packages, (3 ounces each)
CONFECTIONERS' SUGAR, unsifted, 1 tablespoon
VANILLA EXTRACT, 1/4 teaspoon vanilla
COCOA POWDER, unsweetened, for garnish
CHOCOLATE CURLS, enough to garnish


In a small mixer bowl, beat egg yolks and sugar until thick and lemon-colored, about 1 minute.
Place in top of double boiler over boiling water.
Reduce heat to low and cook 8 to 10 minutes, stirring constantly.
Remove from heat.
Add mascarpone cheese, beating well.
In small mixer bowl, whip cream until stiff peaks form.
Fold into egg yolk mixture; set aside.
Line bottom and side of 2-1/2 to 3-quart bowl or souffle dish with ladyfinger halves, split sides up.
Brush with coffee liqueur or Brandied Expresso (directions follow).
Spoon half of egg yolk-cream mixture into ladyfinger-lined bowl.
Repeat ladyfingers, espresso and cream layers.
Garnish with Sweetened Whipped Cream (directions follow), cocoa and chocolate curls.
Cover and refrigerate several hours or overnight.

Mascarpone Cheese Substitute

Extra ingredients needed: 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, 1/4 cup sour cream, and 2 tablespoons heavy or whipping cream.
In a large mixer bowl, beat cream cheese, sour cream, and heavy or whipping cream until blended and fluffy.

Brandied Espresso
Extra ingredients needed: 1/3-cup hot water, 2 teaspoons instant coffee granules, 1 teaspoon brandy.
In small bowl, combine hot water and instant coffee granules.
Stir until coffee is dissolved.
Blend in brandy.

Sweetened Whipped Cream
In small mixer bowl, combine 1/2-cup heavy or whipping cream, 1 tablespoon unsifted confectioners' sugar, and 1/4-teaspoon vanilla extract.
Whip until stiff peaks form.

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