Sunday, April 29, 2007

how do u measure love?

anybody remembers that....thats from RENT...its a musical.didnt know before i got it but i just loved this song .... n so the movie,ofcourse its abt gays n aids patients n thier regular lifes ....something about it ..maybe the screenplay,the songs....there are lots of them...i donno why i liked it....esp the song how do u measure love ...its just a beauty.
recently i saw so many movies, of those worth mentioning are ....CRASH, BABEL,click....
somehow i liked crash more don cheadle was too good. i always loved to read the last page of the novel first n the movie was similar its like reading a novel backwards.the technique used in BABEL was similar but it was a bit boring...well to me(maybe bcos i was cooking n feeding her n watching it not as seriously as crash), the sequence of events more like a chain raection , the lifes of so many unrealated people but by strange stroke of fate interrelated n rinko kikuchi potrayed such a difficult charachter with ease.
now abt CLICK.... why did he make such a drag of a film of course it won't make to my favorite adam sandler's movies...he has so many good ones esp the romantic comedies with drew barrymoore n now he made this not good...looking forward to watch his latest film with don cheadle.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

how did it happen? 2

want to know rest of the story?
here it is.........
i am pregnant...i was least prepared ... not just me so was he n everyone in our families.....mummy was the happiest....well by now u can already guess that.
i knew not what to go ahead flight was next week n me 4 weeks pregnant...
i think it taking 9 months was good...someone up there designed so with a purpose....i had nine months at my hand to prepare myself for life at home with my baby.....was it enough...i am not sure.
nine months of agony, pain n depression does that effect the baby...someone somewhere might be studying it or maybe has studied ....plz plz dont say it has adverse effects later on.
i would sit all alone reading a book or just flipping through websites,watching out of interest to eat,sleep ,clean up,hiding my tears from him,hiding my heart from him n not just him ..everyone who mattered to me....but the baby says eat eat damnit i am hungry...move around just laugh out loud i want to hear to me
n then finally her ordeal was over inside me but not with me...a gripping climax n lo she was here in his tiny so cute so innocent n pure...untouched by anything no malice no grudges no fallen dreams just a white canvas.
i wanted to hold her close n feed her but no.... i could not .... by body failed me ...i cried n cried ...tried everything anybody told but it wont work...just wont work. n the baby.....i want u n from u was heartwrenching to watch her cry for milk n i cannot feed her....i tried cheating her u know what i did.... i gave her my me n then would slip the bottle.....she was too clever for me...she found out stupid of me could i think she wont know n just accept last she had it her way n me too...she drinks from bottle now but not when awake .....
i am laughing, jumping, dancing around her,talking n telling stories...oh yeah me n me only...i am laughing for she can't stand my tears...what a face she puts when i am upset....its almost like the story of a little boy i read long ago....who could not cry when away from mother the first time for he was too busy.......
my pain is still there so are the ashes of my fallen dreams but i still have to laugh n dance....i have no option ....i cannot rub my feelings on her....i have to hide them again from her also.....but how long.
like a seedling from dormancy,like the phoenix from ashes,like the sun from clouds....i have to come back ...the hidden ME ..the strong,stubborn,go getter,the confident,the geeky n dorky ME..... i can see that everyday in her ... i just have to step up n embrace myself.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

how did it happen?

how did it happen? how could it happen?
just like that....but how? how could i do myself?
let me tell my story...
i was always lost in my work n this worried her a lot... so what did she do...i did find out soon enough n the irony is i fell for it.
i had a few days off... actually i was waiting for my primers to arrive.... n i decided to make good use of it(maybe a bad idea) ....n there i was at home.
to my surprise next day i was told someone was coming to see me....oh what a conspiracy n me the unsuspecting innocent victim?
i was taken aback....i wont i wont....i hate it...i hate to dress up n sit like a doll n let them ask me questions...its so lame ...thats not me... i argued...i shouted... but then i lost.
yep i lost...for mummy had the best defense them then decide ...dont like thats ok.
then he comes.... no formals lo another surprise, just a jeans n a casual green checks n his mesmerising smile.
to my surprise he says he wants to talk yep like he heard me(i decided i will never marry a guy who does not talk to me on ) before i knew i was merrily chatting away ...n mummy never asked my opinion ...nope ..she just saw it in my smile.
we talked n talked n talked(maybe we talked everything then only n now nothing much is left to talk about i guess)
next month i have a new home,a new name n a new family....
i left my lab my hard i worked to get there many sleepless nights i spent ... no friends no movies...just avoided anything that might distract me or take my time for all i had were few hours a day late in night after college n babysitting for bhabhi,helping in chores.... my dream to be financially independent.... to achieve what mummy could not finish...
everything was shattered n by n myself ....i think i cried more to resign than leave my parents....n thousands of miles away from home here i am ....
now i am a dependent...thats what my passport says ...that word just kills me.i feel like a parasite ....
he loves me ..just adores ...he loved me when i put forty pounds(well i lost most of it now)... he loved me rage n anger...he loved me all the time.
but still the incapacity to do anything just can't even tell how it feels.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


spring i love it.not that i dont like summer(thats when my mandhara n malli are in full bloom) or autumn(wow the smell of the first rain on the sun drenched soil).
but spring...spring is different, its full of new leaves, the dried branches coming back to life ....coming back of the greens...the green blanket is back, hoorah ,the birds too busy finding a mate,
new life to the woods,new life in the blue skies n new life in the greens.
i have my own selfish motive too...all my roses will be in bloom n so r daisies n the vases are full but more important the squeals of joy of my baby when she sees the birds n trees...... oh u should see her .....may be i am bragging too much.
the glee in her eyes.....more beautiful than a diamond's sparkle.... reminds me of the joy i had when i saw my first sapling last spring.
but this spring, its even more beautiful .... i saw my baby's first laugh ....first time she called me --- amma......her first rollover.... her first steps ...oh yeah all in one spring .... i am not bragging,i mean it i wait for her first teeth.
she is the spring of my life..
yes i mean.... though i am away from my books ...away from all those things i loved all my life ...her smiles just brush them away.her bear hugs n kisses make all the work worthwhile...her smiles when she sees me n her tears when i am away show me her love ..her unrequitted love for me.
i love spring, for it means hope... it means life.
for me, mmy baby is my spring ... a spring of joy n happiness....makes me forget just everything and anything.

where am I?

i donno ---- where am I?
where is that person who loved to sleep way through the morning or just wake up for the first bird's song ... falling asleep gazing at the stars.....who loved to read n read the sherlock holmes, the jane austins,nancy drew n then the dostevsky's, dan browns jeffry archers.....
where are all the text books --- long lost... n so r the dreams to make big in life.....
where are my colours n my paintings n all my writings....lost them too i guess....
where is that person who would not do anything but read the news paper first thing in the morning ....
where is the person who hated to stay at home just cookin n cleaning n......
wake up wake up its bottle time --- feed her before she wakes for later she wont.....she hates the bottle...
now rush through the breakfast n lunch n just anything u can before they both wake up ..... for later u cannot do without her crying ....n then baby have ur gerber baby have ur rice have ur bottle now the diapers ....there he is back home min your snack is here .....n now time for dinner n then dishes n bibs n some cleaning...
by then they r both fast asleep
caught up in all this where are u?
are u lost?
no.... then where are u?

why cant she sit still?

can u plz sit for a min, at least a few seconds? at least till i take ur picture. come on dont run away like that
hey i have to change ur diaper.... plz dear.chitti now u are getting all messy.oh yeah.
come on now let me fix ur snack or may be ur bottle? gimme a breather dear.
ok ok now if u sit calmly till i clean up i will take u out n we can watch the birds n walk around n play.
come on dear play with ur toys now i'll be back in a min ---- plz plz i'll be in the restroom ----plz plz dont cry ---i'll be back in a min.
why cant u just stay for one minute?
thus goes our conversations --me n my baby all day all night.
was i like this? mummy was i like this when i was small?
where did u get this?
where else can u get this ....may be from me....

Saturday, April 21, 2007

why do i get angry?

why do i get angry? why on earth...
i have him with all his love n care n my cute little baby....n still i get angry why?
is it that i cant continue my studies or is it bcos i am stuck at home just like my mom when all i want is to go out n work n still take care of us n make my home as a home?
is it bcos all my friends are working as they aspired n me not?
is it bcos my baby wants anything but her formula n cereal n i have to spend all day trying to feed her at least something?
is it bcos he prefers silence to chatter n his laptop to my mediocre world?
is it bcos i feel helpless n miserable n weak?
or is it just bcos of my hormones going haywire after the baby?
i donno but what i know is i get angry...... yes i get angry at the most frivolous incident .... i feel rejected n neglected.
you know what ... the irony is i know i get angry but i know not why n you something else ....i hate it yes i hate myself like hell when i get mad for nothing n you know this has to stop bcos i know i am hurting not just myself but the love of my life.

Friday, April 20, 2007


when i see them together --- all curled up holding each other together i donno who's holding whom or as to who loves the other more ---
who cares.
they r for each other n just adore each other. u know what, i am jealous of them --i treasure him. he is mine n just mine how can she steal him from me? does he love her more than me. maybe -- maybe not.
i mean i love her --
how can someone not love her but then how can she be there holding him like that while i can't n i want to. oh i want to leave everything else n join them --- hold them tight n curl up together n just just sleep like that with them.
whatever --
she is my baby n he,he is my sweetie my sweet heart.
maybe i am just being too possesive maybe --maybe not.


me ----- who am i ? i donno . i am trying to know myself . maybe this will help me

my feelings my thoughts my rantings my mirror