how did it happen? 2

want to know rest of the story?
here it is.........
i am pregnant...i was least prepared ... not just me so was he n everyone in our families.....mummy was the happiest....well by now u can already guess that.
i knew not what to do....to go ahead or....my flight was next week n me 4 weeks pregnant...
i think it taking 9 months was good...someone up there designed so with a purpose....i had nine months at my hand to prepare myself for life at home with my baby.....was it enough...i am not sure.
nine months of agony, pain n depression ...how does that effect the foetus...my baby...someone somewhere might be studying it or maybe has studied ....plz plz dont say it has adverse effects later on.
i would sit all alone reading a book or just flipping through websites,watching out of window...no interest to eat,sleep ,clean up,hiding my tears from him,hiding my heart from him n not just him ..everyone who mattered to me....but the baby says eat eat damnit i am hungry...move around just laugh out loud i want to hear u....talk to me
n then finally her ordeal was over inside me but not with me...a gripping climax n lo she was here in his hands...so tiny so cute so innocent n pure...untouched by anything no malice no grudges no fallen dreams just a white canvas.
i wanted to hold her close n feed her but no.... i could not .... by body failed me ...i cried n cried ...tried everything anybody told but it wont work...just wont work. n the baby.....i want u n from u only....it was heartwrenching to watch her cry for milk n i cannot feed her....i tried cheating her u know what i did.... i gave her my me n then would slip the bottle.....she was too clever for me...she found out ..so stupid of me ...how could i think she wont know n just accept it.at last she had it her way n me too...she drinks from bottle now but not when awake .....
i am laughing, jumping, dancing around her,talking n telling stories...oh yeah me n me only...i am laughing for she can't stand my tears...what a face she puts when i am upset....its almost like the story of a little boy i read long ago....who could not cry when away from mother the first time for he was too busy.......
my pain is still there so are the ashes of my fallen dreams but i still have to laugh n dance....i have no option ....i cannot rub my feelings on her....i have to hide them again from her also.....but how long.
like a seedling from dormancy,like the phoenix from ashes,like the sun from clouds....i have to come back ...the hidden ME ..the strong,stubborn,go getter,the confident,the geeky n dorky ME..... i can see that everyday in her ... i just have to step up n embrace myself.