taare zameen par

recently i have seen so many movies but one i can relate to n loved is taare zameen par,the directorial debut of aamir khan.the little boy,who loved to draw n watch the world....who could not get along with other kids let alone his studies..always failing..always bullied...nobody could understand him not even his parents....until the problem is identified by a teacher n getting help.the kid was wonderful....n the movie was too..i was taken back to my school days....always mocked n bullied...for being clumsy,for being short n dark....always alone ...i couldn't fight back my tears...i cried,maybe thats the first time i cried watching a movie...his problem was dyslexia n mine i donno,i was sort of dyslexic as a kid but changed a lot.never a problem with studies though failed at medical entrance,it took a long time to cope with failure but then i always topped class in degree n got a fellowship in masters which i gave up to get married with him...but never made through with people....donno why.his solace was painting and my solace were my painting n poetry n my mom n now him.
how i wish i had good friends then n even now.i got some in between but when i moved here we just got so busy in our lives that we hardly ever mail each other.
one thing always bothered me.....why would somebody want to bully anyone?do they even think how hurtful it is?

my love

i am falling in love all over again ..no its not another guy but its him....the same person for the last 2 years....whom i loved and then hated, doubted,felt like moving away....i shouted at him scolded him....said he brought me here, made me miserable,scolded why he got his documents n not me even when he does not need a new EAD and i so desperately want.....all through my bickering n name calling he stood with me held me close .....sometimes i feel i cannot be without him,what will i do, i fear some day he will give up one me for all my anger.....but i also know he wont...for he loves me ....so much that i feel miserable for the things i say to him....all i want now is to hold him n close my eyes .... this will pass n with him beside me i can face anything oh yeah thats how he makes me feel....happy,confident,complete

my garden

its been sometime since i got any new plants ...i am concentrating on the ones i have..oh almost forgot,i now have my own tulasi, after many trials..its growing well thanks to the seeds mummy got me last year.all the daisies are having so many new buds looks like this year i can see them all in bloom my whites,yellow and purple.somehow thats pretty much like my life now...i can see my dreams n a hope to see them come true ...but i have to wait somemore days maybe months.....my EAD is lost in post it seems...wait n wait lemme see what happens.

my favorite foods

these days of waiting and depressing disappointments led me back to my favorite food,oh how i love them...my best comfort foods though have changed..no more chocolates but its chocolate cakes....n more interesting i am baking them for myself chocolate fudge cakes,black forest cakes n i am loving them.oh i almost forgot ..my newfound love ..peanut butter and its all mine..he is allergic to peanuts.i am sure all this wait for my EAD sure will make me a few pounds heavier.
these days a few nice things also happened.... my baby is happy n healthy...she is walking actually running around and jumping.and she is having her bottle when awake ..well i had to wait for more than a year but as everything else in my life i have to wait and wait.

good things

some really good things happened these last months....my baby is doing grt n i am so happy for her.at last after more than a year she started to drink her milk when awake ... thats a big thing for me.... no need to get her to sleep 5 times a day. now she is sticking to her schedule n i am happy to have a routine.to c her full after her bottle n just give me big hug.

back

almost 3 months, i just did not want to write...lost in depression almost suicidal then back but still not there.for the last 3 months i was waiting very desperately for my EAD n its still not here.i want a job that will not only boost my confidence but can makes matters easy on him..........i am looking for just any job now...cant go for a science job they are in down town a 2 hr drive, n i dont even know how to drive ..he has no time to teach me n i can't go for a tutor not unless i earn.then there is my baby wher can i find a babysitter who will feed her n play with with a smile always n never raising her voice...otherwise she wouldn't eat.but first will she be ok without me...she wont leave me except in sleep even now...what to do??????

cakes

on my birthday he got me a baking set,i was overjoyed for i love cakes n muffins ...now i can make them myself.
since then i made muffins ,cup cakes ,cookies, brownies a lot
first i made a choclate cake for his birthday ...it did not come out as i planned bcos i left it in oven after switching it off. then i tried a carrot cake for her....it came out so well....everyone loved it.
now i want to try the dulce de leche cake ....we simply love it like my friend says its sinfully delicious....we got it for her party ...but for our anniversary i want to bake a dulce de leche cake....yep its our second anniversary this 20th.

swimming pool

i take her out on walks everday at least twice....n nowadays we started going to the pool....na no swimming we just walk in the shallow waters everyday n play around for say 20 mins n head back.but yesterday was different i wanted to take her into the water....he knows swimming so i dragged him out of his couch n to the pool...she liked it first but when she was being fussy i went in ...i was wearing a pj n a tshirt..i know others were staring at me...but i wanted to comfort her but not take her out of the water so soon....my it felt so good as if i was flying...i liked it floating in water man i want to learn swiming even more now.

party

its over...the party is over ..after all the days i spent planning for it...it seems like it was over too fast...i made all the dishes except sambhar as i wanted to.i made chole chaat, pav bhaji,kadai paneer,dondakayi curry,gobi 65, brownies kalakhand,chakrapongali,biryani,boondhi raitha,n even the sev for the chaat n boondh for the raitha.i wanted it all done before she is up so had to wake up at 4 n start...luckily i pulled it off.everybody loved the food so much that i am now starting catering....i already have one order... a birthday cake for his nephew...i am so happy.

last few weeks

yes it is 1 year,already....she turned 1 this sunday, 29th july.
a lot has happened this year ...every moment was different some painful, out of breath exhausted overwhelmed ...many a time i dont know what to do..how to get her to eat or drink her milk.....may be this was not how i planned to write abt her bday...but last 2 days are really bad she hardly takes anything...but above that my baby is all smiles every moment,even when she falls gets hurt all she does look up for me n smile.....wish i can do that.
i dont know why but everytime she does not eat i feel like i failed...failed as a mother....i could never feed her ..she had to be given bottle which she literally hates to date. i pictured motherhood a different way n nothing has turned out like that...i never could reconcile with myself ..somehow feel like its my fault...cannot control my anger..it gets real bad n i break down ....n.. ..n he is so bad with crying girls..just helpless cant even console me...but she does..hugs me wipes my tears gets her ball n makes me play n smile...i need to learn a lot from her.
some how i did not want make a big issue abt her bday ...but do something good,so v arranged a breakfast n lunch at prema samajam,my father in law took care of it...v dont have any frds here..but his brother n family live here so i invited them over for dinner...made a nice dinner n they enjoyed it...made a cake...it came out so good everyone loved it n the pizza was ok but his nephews preferred the cake n pizza to anything else.what i liked abt that day was she was happy spent a lot of time with her cousins playing n being the youngest getting pampered by all.
but then v r having a party this saturday for some of the people v know here...i wont call them frds for they never bothered abt us until his big promotion ...(so convenient right...come talk when u need help otherwise stay away) but then we r having it anyway..its more like his promotion party then her bday bash...i am doing all the cooking (to save some bucks n this is what to goes to prema samajam...something inside did not want to spend a lot on people who dont care,so i preferred people who need some care) n had planned a big menu hope i can do it all without my baby getting mad at me.
one more thing i was busy these days was with harry potter ..i finishe it ..took more than a week with my baby but then i finished it ..its good ..hope she writes again

visit to doctor

i had go to the doctor last week...its abt my toe...the nail had grown ..well inside the skin...phew...everything that touchs there i would scream in pain,it became so bad that my baby was imitating me...she picks up things fast....n u wont believe she thought all the time i am playing a game,i mean everytime she stands on my feet i would scream n just that she may not be frightened i would laugh n make faces....my mistake.
it all happened bcos i got busy with my babies ...oh yeah never mentioned before right i have 2 babies .....one i had the day i got married and another a year later, my payal. i like to cook everymeal, four times a day for them n have to spend more time to get them to eat n then cleaning i was left with too little of my time which i spend on them again....me baddy.
now i did not cut it in time my nail so the doc did it for me...not just the tip but almost half of it till the base, of course had a shot of anesthesia to the toe.
the saying 'a stitch in time saves nine' makes sense to me now.
u know the funny part was....the doc a desi...was the first person i felt at home talking to after coming here,i mean in person after him. she appreciated for being a tough one..for i preferred to watch the whole process of pealing of my nail, than just lying down.but thats not the reason....she talked to me, not his wife...me as a person...not bcos he is promoted n can give job to her or her brother...as some did in a party...all of a sudden taking notice of me after 2 years...for once i liked to be known as me ..after a long time.

my wieght loss story

one the side effects of pregnancy,(yep thats how i say it.....)was my wieght gain.
i gained almost a 50 pounds well not all during my pregnancy,maybe a 10 when i was lazing off after my marriage.i was always a thin girl abt 50 kgs never even crossed 55 all my life n now u can imagine the horror i felt at 150 pounds....my parents were so shocked when the saw me....i thought all along ok let the baby come out i'll bcom normal again...but even 6 six months after baby i was 145...what to do...i tried gym lost maybe 5 pounds....but after mummy daddy left i was doing all the cooking n he as usual was too busy.
coming to my baby, she is an angel the sweetest baby as long as i dont try to feed her....as i said before she hates bottle ndoes not drink when awake so i had to spend more time trying to get her to sleep at feeding time....frustrating time taking n energy draining. nu wont believe she took care of my dieting...any minute i spend away from her even eating ...she would cry real badly ...so i had 2 choices eat petful n watch her cry or finish as fast as possible b4 she starts crying ... thats my dieting.
my wieghts...oh yeah i did some weights slowly increasing in pounds.... my baby again... she wont sit in a high chair so i carry her around till she finishes her ceareal or rice or gerber...ophh what a slow eater she is.
my walks....lots of it ...yeah u r right with my baby....we walk all around the apartments now in a stroller but b4 we lived on 3rd floor so i preferred to carry her during our walks.
i should really thank my baby if not for her i would have been still at 150...well lets me not say she was responsible for me getting here...now i am 115 yahoooooooooooooooooooooo.

changes

yep n lots of them.....he has changed a lot these last few days.
i dont say he was bad before...but now he spends more n more time with the baby n thats what i always wanted...now i can be in kitchen n hear their laughs not her cries...i dont need to lose my temper...not even when she does not eat...i wait n try again.now i feel i have more energy..not worried or depressed,i am actually looking forward each day.
earliar also i did everything but then i was not so happy at times.....i felt like incomplete...but now i do with a new zest

not again

they changed the dates.....the visa bulletin got us bad news this time...not july but october n GOD only knows when i can get a job i have to confess it did not bother me as much as the fact i could not get the job i was hoping for...maybe i am getting used to it now...
again n again it happens .... i try to build something n it just gets blown away n i have to rebuild it again n i will i just need to wait some more
the good part is we will get more money at least for this quarterly well his share of the firm profits....no filing fees n no lawyer fees at least now....maybe in october

accident..........

yep accident....he met with an accident. maybe its not the way to put it but then he just crashed his car when he drove off the red light..so unlike him hmm that he did bcos the guy in front of him drove n being on phone with a client he did not c the lights n followed him for the first time...i am sure he will never ever repeat it again.
last friday ....the first time i said i wont pack lunch for him....reason.. i was so angry for he does not help me with the baby n i was drained out after the moving n unpacking n cleaning n ofcourse the cooking for his bday...i did most of the cleaning all the packing n unpacking as he was too busy at work.....the result he goes out to pick lunch n runs over the red...final result..a chevy tahoe slams into our car...poor thing its totalled leaving him totally shaken but walks out unharmed except the bruises n cramps...
lesson/s he learned....never talk on phone when driving,dont ever blindly follow,
what about not making me angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lesson i learned...never ever say i wont pack u lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yahooooooooo

at last my prayers are answered... the other day he told me our green card processing is accelerated i mean ....we will get the green card maybe in a year.....but important for me i'll get a work permit in six months...yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
i am happy i am happy i am so happy....i can work soon n by then my baby will be a year n a half....n i dont need to go n file for a h1b as i planned anymore...n then when i earn enough i will go to college ...i mean i can do that now but i dont want him to pay for it u call it egotist or whatever i dont like anyone paying my bills unless i can contribute something myself....i mean not just the cooking, cleaning or the baby more than that i want....maybe then i can afford to call my parents to take of my baby when i am off to work...all by myself.
i am so looking forward to it....so badly

back at last

at last i am back here again .... to my blog....my own recluse...its almost a month...
what happened these days .... a lot ... i had a fever down for a week then we moved ..4 days gone in packing n unpacking n all the cleaning of both the apts...n then comes his b'day on sunday so off goes another week preparing all his favorite stuff when he was away at work n thanks to my baby...oh how could she bcom so demanding these days.... uff how i wish i can find some free time for just myself at least sometime....yeah a lttle time for myself wont hurt right.
hey have a question its bothering me real bad from the day i arrived here oh yeah from day 1 .... everytime i see a desi i can't help but say a hi with a smile for i am seeing my countrymen n all get back is who r u sort of look..well most of them....i mean is it me the americans r fine with me they talk with me n my baby....i am not an intimidating person....i dont think a 5 feet 1 inch 120 pound person with a friendly disposition ( well bragging abt myself!!!!!!!!!!!)....am i intimidating??????????? is it me or just my imagination???????




9

me again

well i am not trying to bore u all but when a dear frd tags u why not tag along

smoked cigarettes....phew cant even think abt that...i choke on cigarette smoke
crashed a frds car...never
stolen a car...too big to get away with..nope
been in love with Mr.X....I thought i was but turned it was just a crush
been dumped....someone dare dump me..nope
shoplifted....well i did i have to confess....when i was a small kid took a few chocs...i love them.
been fired..lemme get a job first then can think of getting fired
been in a fist fight....nope,i am a peaceful soul.
snuck out of ur parents home...that concept doesn't exist in India...so they get u married
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back....lemme remember..nah
been arrested...dont want to ever
gone for a blind date...no not me
lied to a frd ... never to a frd
skipped school...sorry i was a boring geek then,well even now kind of
seen someone die...only my doggy,gracy,my samurai
had a crush on ur internet frd...nope
been to canada....not yet but will in 2008
been to mexico.... not yet
been on plane....thats how i ended up here
purposely set a part of u on fire....well few times in lab...v have to clean our hands with alcohol n then take to cultures n i hated to wait till they dry up so the fire but it wont hurt
eaten sushi....eating fresh includes only fruits n some veggies in my dictionary
been jet skiing...nope but love to
met someone in person u met on internet...next year i will
taken pain killers....yep after a c-section
loved n missed someone....yep it happens but life goes on
flown a kite...yes yes yes n i enjoy it
built a sand castle....all of bygone childhood..goldendays right
gone puddle jumping...all the time loved ride the bike in them n get clothes dirty n also scolding but then its fun isn't...shhhh my baby shouldn't hear
cheated while playing a game.....to be honest i tried n could not
been lonely.....wanna make me cry
fallen asleep at school or work...both, at school i once dozed off only to wake up n find the whole class staring at me n teacher right beside me n at work the boring seminars,why do they put them just after a good lunch
used a fake id...nope but a fake name n stuff when on some websites...everybody does not need my name right
watched a sunset...love it everytime nature, is just splendid
felt an earthquake...one of the things i dont want to experience
touched a snake ... yep n love to watch them
slept beneath stars... manytimes...those days of powercut n those games v played
been robbed...never of material possesions but yes....coming here i feel robbed of myself
been misunderstood...at times for i rarely let everyone know my thoughts
petted reindeer or goat...goats n sheep many times
won a contest...many but what good r they now when u feel defeated by urself
run a redight/stop light....lemme get a license
been suspended from school...nope,never
been in a car accident....never
eaten a whole pint of icecream in one night....love it but less is more for me at times
had deja vu....many a time
danced in moonlite....feels great right
witnessed a crime....nope
been obsessed with post it notes...i dont use them
squished barefoot thru mud.....never in life not even as a baby..
been lost....nope,never always knew my way around
been on the opposite side of the country....in India yes here yet to wander
swam in the ocean....want to at least once in life
cried urself to sleep....yep after coming here, hiding my tears from him
played cops n robbers....a lot of times when a kid
recently coloured with crayons....nope,maybe some time soon i'll get back to my colours
sung karoke.....want to run away ok then i'll try
paid for meal in coins...no but for xerox,rs.1000...it was good to c his face
done something u told urself u won't....yep everytime i get angry with i say i won't be the one to talk but within 5 mins i'll be there talking
made prank calls....yep to one stupid guy at college who thought himself to be the most coolest guy around.
caught a snow flake on ur tongue.... nope not yet
written a letter to santa.... nope
blown bubbles .... yep n still do with my baby n even in bath when in a playful mood
bonfire on beach....nope but did on bhogi every year
laughed so hard that u pee in ur pants....kind of yes ....during those 9 months
cheated on test.... i have to confess,i tried to in college but i was shorter than the girl in front n the one beside me had a different question.
at last, i finished it yaar....my i never knew u were so cross with me!!!!!!!!!!!!

alpha dog

yesterday we saw alpha dog,a movie starring justin timberlake,sharon stone,bruce willis etc...its based on true incidents.
the kids of some rich fathers have nothing to do but party n not just that, drugs alcohol n girls.into this tag along more kids n some bcom drug dealers ..everything goes ok for a while until one fellow fails to pay up n so ensues a chain of events which lead to the kidnap of his innocent bro n his ultimate killing.sounds simple right... regular plot
but its real n happens everyday here it seems...so many saw the kidnap n nobody bothered...many more knew he was kidnapped when they meet him as hostage n think its cool n sickest part is the guys who killed him were so friendly with till then n they kill him so brutally gruesome...man it was sickening
i could not watch it...i loved watching action films all my life n saw tons n tons of them but then now i cant' stand them anymore....they bother me
they bother me because ...this is world my baby will have to live in ....man what can i do to help her.

ohmigosh

yep thats what i feel nowadays....am i confusing.well i am confused donno if i have to be happy or upset.let me tell why now
i want a job badly pretty badly..... that way i won't be depending on him for everything...no more parasite life feels grt right.so what i did?
i came to know that his company offers jobs to h4s at times....exactly what i wanted GOD u are great.but the pay!!!!!!! ok ok lemme get the job first then we can see.
then next thing i did was ....please help me get the job nanna.this went for days n days.
me pushing him for it n he too embarassed to ask. why? well what if they say no? come on what will happen? at most i won't get the job,thats all.
at last i lost patience.... hey why cant u talk about my job with ur boss?
well he did one fine day n u know what happened ....he got a big promotion
n my job???????????

3 questions n me

well i am just trying to tag along

three things i am afraid of

failure
being alone
bad people

3 people who make me laugh

my hubby
my baby
my nephews

3 things i love

plants, basically nature
walking in rain with an icecream n no umbrella
holding him n falling asleep

3 things i hate

lies n dishonesty
being dependent
feeling frustrated n getting angry

3 things i don't understand

why women compete to buy gold or sarees etc
how come guys lose wieght easily
how come a woman's life change so much after marriage than a guy's

3 things on my desk
which one .... the one i left back there in india

my books
my testtubes n chemicals
a small flower

3 things i am doing right now

reading other blogs
watching my baby
sleepy n groggy need to get into bed

3 things i can do

gardening
painting
cook ofcourse

3 things u should listen to

wind
gushing of the river
conscience

3 things u should never listen to

stoppers n born doubhters

3 things i'd like to learn

swimming
to drive
mountaineering

3 favorite foods

indian
mexican
chinese

3 beverages i drink

water
smoothies
lassi

3 favrorite childhood shows

duck tales(the cartoon)
oshin
vikram bethal

wanna tag along?!!!!!!!!!!!!

honey, i made some money!

this happened yesterday....
everyday i wish i could earn some money...even if its a small amount n when saw this website i was so happy..oh not this blogsites....another one.
all i had to do was answer some surveys n they pay u...so easy so why not try it out, i thought n i finished off all the surveys available for me in the site n i earned 40 bucks....cool right just in 15 minutes.
this is too good .... i wanted to redeem nope they said first make 75 minimum n then only can u redeem.ok,cool....i can wait n with 75 i can get a nice gift for him for his b'day in june.
the minute he came home n the evening i shouted ..honey i made some money...he was happy to see me happy.
today,first thing i did after i got a minute break was check if somemore surveys are available so i could get to 75...n u know what happened...
oops no more of the website....its gone...n so are my 40 bucks...what an iron leg i got...the day i entered the whole website disappeared.....phew

who am i?

who am i?
everyday just before we sleep i ask him a question .... v talk for a while n sleep.this is our routine.
sounds silly but this was my routine
the question i asked him yesterday before sleeping was "who am i?"
n the answer " payal's mummy" ....he said that with such an enthusiasm
but it could not please me..... not that i dont like being her mummy....i love my baby n i love him a lot ......but then who am i?
her mother...his wife....till now i was someone's daughter's n someone's sister ...though they loved me cared for me ....it never made me happy ...i mean i was happy for what i had but wanted more ...ME...i wanted for once to identified just as ME n they be recognised as my parents n my brothers....i wanted my own identity. i had at CDFD....i was ME, a research scholar ....
now married n a baby who am i just a house wife?
i like caring for them ,cooking for them n cleaning up after them but then i want ME also.

my birthday

yes ... yesterday (may4) was my birthday n i can say without any doubt this is the best day in my life after coming here....i am happy n not for an hour or two, the whole day ....no tears, no anger nothing.
he gave me such a beautiful gift....i mean not rose plant or the earrings or the chocolate truffle mousse or the shopping spree....is it bcos he took time to think what i like, no, maybe....but more bcos he took the afternoon off n drove me out of town .... to a place he promised long ago. it was a surprise ... a nice pleasant surprise....i loved it....the trip, the view, the cake, the plant n the earrings.....he made my day.
i was happy ...not for an hour or two but the whole day n the happiness even spilled into the next day as well ....hope it lasts forever

why

questions ...questions n more of them.it was as if i could never answer all of them.
can u help me?
as a child i had these.....
why can't i count all the stars?
(i tried .... on a cloudy night when i could see only a few ,by the time counted 10 the clouds separated n lo there were lots of them....he he he should not try cheating.right)
why the frogs croak only in autumn?
why should the bubbles be round?
(for this my science teacher said i'll understand later on n i did in my inter?)
why can't there be friends near my house?
why can't i have more holidays
why can't i see anymore butterflies?
why can i see a rainbow in water n on bubbles when there is no rain?
now...
why can't i have more time for everything?
why should a girl be tall,fair n thin to be beautiful when they say beauty is the way u look at?
why doesn't he like talking?
why can't a mother-in-law care as your mother?
why should there be need?
why can't i answer my questions?
when will i find my answers?

take me out

take me out
take me out
i want breathe some fresh air
where are my wings
i want to fly...
far n high
oh why did i clip them
take me out
take me out
the walls are closing in
hug me hold me
hold me together
i am breaking down
not just me
but my heart n soul
take me out
take me out.

how do u measure love?

anybody remembers that....thats from RENT...its a musical.didnt know before i got it but i just loved this song .... n so the movie,ofcourse its abt gays n aids patients n thier regular lifes ....something about it ..maybe the screenplay,the songs....there are lots of them...i donno why i liked it....esp the song how do u measure love ...its just a beauty.
recently i saw so many movies, of those worth mentioning are ....CRASH, BABEL,click....
somehow i liked crash more don cheadle was too good. i always loved to read the last page of the novel first n the movie was similar its like reading a novel backwards.the technique used in BABEL was similar but it was a bit boring...well to me(maybe bcos i was cooking n feeding her n watching it not as seriously as crash), the sequence of events more like a chain raection , the lifes of so many unrealated people but by strange stroke of fate interrelated n rinko kikuchi potrayed such a difficult charachter with ease.
now abt CLICK.... why did he make such a drag of a film of course it won't make to my favorite adam sandler's movies...he has so many good ones esp the romantic comedies with drew barrymoore n now he made this not good...looking forward to watch his latest film with don cheadle.

how did it happen? 2

want to know rest of the story?
here it is.........
i am pregnant...i was least prepared ... not just me so was he n everyone in our families.....mummy was the happiest....well by now u can already guess that.
i knew not what to do....to go ahead or....my flight was next week n me 4 weeks pregnant...
i think it taking 9 months was good...someone up there designed so with a purpose....i had nine months at my hand to prepare myself for life at home with my baby.....was it enough...i am not sure.
nine months of agony, pain n depression ...how does that effect the foetus...my baby...someone somewhere might be studying it or maybe has studied ....plz plz dont say it has adverse effects later on.
i would sit all alone reading a book or just flipping through websites,watching out of window...no interest to eat,sleep ,clean up,hiding my tears from him,hiding my heart from him n not just him ..everyone who mattered to me....but the baby says eat eat damnit i am hungry...move around just laugh out loud i want to hear u....talk to me
n then finally her ordeal was over inside me but not with me...a gripping climax n lo she was here in his hands...so tiny so cute so innocent n pure...untouched by anything no malice no grudges no fallen dreams just a white canvas.
i wanted to hold her close n feed her but no.... i could not .... by body failed me ...i cried n cried ...tried everything anybody told but it wont work...just wont work. n the baby.....i want u n from u only....it was heartwrenching to watch her cry for milk n i cannot feed her....i tried cheating her u know what i did.... i gave her my me n then would slip the bottle.....she was too clever for me...she found out ..so stupid of me ...how could i think she wont know n just accept it.at last she had it her way n me too...she drinks from bottle now but not when awake .....
i am laughing, jumping, dancing around her,talking n telling stories...oh yeah me n me only...i am laughing for she can't stand my tears...what a face she puts when i am upset....its almost like the story of a little boy i read long ago....who could not cry when away from mother the first time for he was too busy.......
my pain is still there so are the ashes of my fallen dreams but i still have to laugh n dance....i have no option ....i cannot rub my feelings on her....i have to hide them again from her also.....but how long.
like a seedling from dormancy,like the phoenix from ashes,like the sun from clouds....i have to come back ...the hidden ME ..the strong,stubborn,go getter,the confident,the geeky n dorky ME..... i can see that everyday in her ... i just have to step up n embrace myself.

how did it happen?

how did it happen? how could it happen?
just like that....but how? how could i do it.....to myself?
let me tell my story...
i was always lost in my work n this worried her a lot... so what did she do...i did find out soon enough n the irony is i fell for it.
i had a few days off... actually i was waiting for my primers to arrive.... n i decided to make good use of it(maybe a bad idea) ....n there i was at home.
to my surprise next day i was told someone was coming to see me....oh what a conspiracy n me the unsuspecting innocent victim?
i was taken aback....i wont i wont....i hate it...i hate to dress up n sit like a doll n let them ask me questions...its so lame ...thats not me... i argued...i shouted... but then i lost.
yep i lost...for mummy had the best defense ..meet them then decide ...dont like thats ok.
then he comes.... no formals lo another surprise, just a jeans n a casual green checks n his mesmerising smile.
to my surprise he says he wants to talk yep like he heard me(i decided i will never marry a guy who does not talk to me on ) before i knew i was merrily chatting away ...n mummy never asked my opinion ...nope ..she just saw it in my smile.
we talked n talked n talked(maybe we talked everything then only n now nothing much is left to talk about i guess)
next month i have a new home,a new name n a new family....
i left my lab my phd.....how hard i worked to get there ..how many sleepless nights i spent ... no friends no movies...just avoided anything that might distract me or take my time for all i had were few hours a day late in night after college n babysitting for bhabhi,helping in chores.... my dream to be financially independent.... to achieve what mummy could not finish...
everything was shattered n by whom...me n myself ....i think i cried more to resign than leave my parents....n thousands of miles away from home here i am ....
now i am a dependent...thats what my passport says ...that word just kills me.i feel like a parasite ....
he loves me ..just adores ...he loved me when i put forty pounds(well i lost most of it now)... he loved me rage n anger...he loved me all the time.
but still the incapacity to do anything just can't even tell how it feels.

spring

spring ....how i love it.not that i dont like summer(thats when my mandhara n malli are in full bloom) or autumn(wow the smell of the first rain on the sun drenched soil).
but spring...spring is different, its full of new leaves, the dried branches coming back to life ....coming back of the greens...the green blanket is back, hoorah ,the birds too busy finding a mate,
new life to the woods,new life in the blue skies n new life in the greens.
i have my own selfish motive too...all my roses will be in bloom n so r daisies n the vases are full but more important the squeals of joy of my baby when she sees the birds n trees...... oh u should see her .....may be i am bragging too much.
the glee in her eyes.....more beautiful than a diamond's sparkle.... reminds me of the joy i had when i saw my first sapling last spring.
but this spring, its even more beautiful .... i saw my baby's first laugh ....first time she called me --- amma......her first rollover.... her first steps ...oh yeah all in one spring .... i am not bragging,i mean it ....how i wait for her first teeth.
she is the spring of my life..
yes i mean.... though i am away from my books ...away from all those things i loved all my life ...her smiles just brush them away.her bear hugs n kisses make all the work worthwhile...her smiles when she sees me n her tears when i am away show me her love ..her unrequitted love for me.
i love spring, for it means hope... it means life.
for me, mmy baby is my spring ... a spring of joy n happiness....makes me forget just everything and anything.

where am I?

i donno ---- where am I?
where is that person who loved to sleep way through the morning or just wake up for the first bird's song ... falling asleep gazing at the stars.....who loved to read n read the sherlock holmes, the jane austins,nancy drew n then the dostevsky's, dan browns jeffry archers.....
where are all the text books --- long lost... n so r the dreams to make big in life.....
where are my colours n my paintings n all my writings....lost them too i guess....
where is that person who would not do anything but read the news paper first thing in the morning ....
where is the person who hated to stay at home just cookin n cleaning n......
wake up wake up its bottle time --- feed her before she wakes for later she wont.....she hates the bottle...
now rush through the breakfast n lunch n just anything u can before they both wake up ..... for later u cannot do without her crying ....n then baby have ur gerber baby have ur rice have ur bottle now the diapers ....there he is back home ....one min your snack is here .....n now time for dinner n then dishes n bibs n some cleaning...
by then they r both fast asleep
caught up in all this where are u?
are u lost?
no.... then where are u?

why cant she sit still?

can u plz sit for a min, at least a few seconds? at least till i take ur picture. come on dont run away like that
hey i have to change ur diaper.... plz dear.chitti now u are getting all messy.oh yeah.
come on now let me fix ur snack or may be ur bottle? gimme a breather dear.
ok ok now if u sit calmly till i clean up i will take u out n we can watch the birds n walk around n play.
come on dear play with ur toys now i'll be back in a min ---- plz plz i'll be in the restroom ----plz plz dont cry ---i'll be back in a min.
why cant u just stay for one minute?
thus goes our conversations --me n my baby all day all night.
was i like this? mummy was i like this when i was small?
where did u get this?
where else can u get this ....may be from me....

why do i get angry?

why do i get angry? why on earth...
i have him with all his love n care n my cute little baby....n still i get angry why?
is it that i cant continue my studies or is it bcos i am stuck at home just like my mom when all i want is to go out n work n still take care of us n make my home as a home?
is it bcos all my friends are working as they aspired n me not?
is it bcos my baby wants anything but her formula n cereal n i have to spend all day trying to feed her at least something?
is it bcos he prefers silence to chatter n his laptop to my mediocre world?
is it bcos i feel helpless n miserable n weak?
or is it just bcos of my hormones going haywire after the baby?
i donno but what i know is i get angry...... yes i get angry at the most frivolous incident .... i feel rejected n neglected.
you know what ... the irony is i know i get angry but i know not why n you something else ....i hate it yes i hate myself like hell when i get mad for nothing n you know this has to stop bcos i know i am hurting not just myself but the love of my life.

me

when i see them together --- all curled up holding each other together i donno who's holding whom or as to who loves the other more ---
who cares.
they r for each other n just adore each other. u know what, i am jealous of them --i treasure him. he is mine n just mine how can she steal him from me? does he love her more than me. maybe -- maybe not.
i mean i love her --
how can someone not love her but then how can she be there holding him like that while i can't n i want to. oh i want to leave everything else n join them --- hold them tight n curl up together n just just sleep like that with them.
whatever --
she is my baby n he,he is my sweetie my sweet heart.
maybe i am just being too possesive maybe --maybe not.

me

me ----- who am i ? i donno . i am trying to know myself . maybe this will help me