how did it happen? how could it happen?
just like that....but how? how could i do it.....to myself?
let me tell my story...
i was always lost in my work n this worried her a lot... so what did she do...i did find out soon enough n the irony is i fell for it.
i had a few days off... actually i was waiting for my primers to arrive.... n i decided to make good use of it(maybe a bad idea) ....n there i was at home.
to my surprise next day i was told someone was coming to see me....oh what a conspiracy n me the unsuspecting innocent victim?
i was taken aback....i wont i wont....i hate it...i hate to dress up n sit like a doll n let them ask me questions...its so lame ...thats not me... i argued...i shouted... but then i lost.
yep i lost...for mummy had the best defense ..meet them then decide ...dont like thats ok.
then he comes.... no formals lo another surprise, just a jeans n a casual green checks n his mesmerising smile.
to my surprise he says he wants to talk yep like he heard me(i decided i will never marry a guy who does not talk to me on ) before i knew i was merrily chatting away ...n mummy never asked my opinion ...nope ..she just saw it in my smile.
we talked n talked n talked(maybe we talked everything then only n now nothing much is left to talk about i guess)
next month i have a new home,a new name n a new family....
i left my lab my phd.....how hard i worked to get there ..how many sleepless nights i spent ... no friends no movies...just avoided anything that might distract me or take my time for all i had were few hours a day late in night after college n babysitting for bhabhi,helping in chores.... my dream to be financially independent.... to achieve what mummy could not finish...
everything was shattered n by whom...me n myself ....i think i cried more to resign than leave my parents....n thousands of miles away from home here i am ....
now i am a dependent...thats what my passport says ...that word just kills me.i feel like a parasite ....
he loves me ..just adores ...he loved me when i put forty pounds(well i lost most of it now)... he loved me rage n anger...he loved me all the time.
but still the incapacity to do anything just can't even tell how it feels.
2 comments:
well joy....that is what a H4 can do...lucky we have blogs to express our feelings...and some unknown,never seen frnds who empathize our situation or who r in the same boat...lets hope we reach the shore soon...Decisions we do at times may be best at that moment...but when the time passes we regret abt them...now the decisions are blunders,mistakes...none to blame except ourselves.....waiting is what we can do......
yup.. the word dependent is what takes all the energy out of me at times.. but then again, we chose it and whatever we might feel for the moment, at the end of the day, we love our family, the other half and yourself and for you, your little bundle of joy too..
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