me and my baby

i dont know it is me or every other person who advices me...my baby is 18 month old and i really really want to go and work have a career and make some money for us.but then the problem is, i dont know what to do abt her. everyone says,hey put her in a daycare like us...but my baby is not 3 old like them...nor does she eat herself or even drink her milk herself....i have to hold her bottle or the sippy cup and i must feed her. she is starting to eat herself...but that is junk...noodles,chips,frys.
and on top of it i have trust issues,i can't just hand her off to a complete stranger and just hope they will take good care of her.
so what i did is...i placed an ad in sulekha.com ....that i want to baby sit and do catering.
lets see what happens now.

finally...

this is something i wanted to share for a while and like many other things i postponed again....procrastination.... procrastination,i have to shake it off.we finally paid off all our credit card loans..well it was about 6000 or 7000 when we got married,his student loans, and then the baby expenses added up quickly.all my life i hated to be in debt...at least money wise.i felt it was always following me everywhere...and had to think a hundred times to spend a dollar.
these 2 years we tried hard to keep expenses low,with him only working,my parents stay after my delivery and the new car after the old one was totalled in an accident,lucky,he was safe,it was a rough last year.
but with the new year everything changed, we are doing great financially.saved up some already and it will all end up in her college fund and our retirement fund and promise never to be in debt again.
maybe this year i will start a job,i need to be sure i find someone who can take good care of her first.or maybe work somthing out from home.hope this year will be good careerwise also for us.i need to hang in there.

cake decoration

cakes i love 'em....to bake and of course to eat but more to decorate them.of late my reapeated attempts to decorate my chocolate cakes fumbled and i messes up again and again...so now i decided to take some classes for cake decoration....something i have been postponing for a while.i am all excited.
yesterday he took me to the baking supply shop....it was like alice in wonderland for me, with all the pans,cake decorations,cookie cutters,food colors..they have hundreds and hundreds of them, the sparkles and sprinkles....they were so good.i got some cookie cutters,stencils for writing on cake and designs.i felt like buying a lot more....something i usually dont do but then he talked me out of it saying u can buy whatever you want after the classes at MICHEALS.well i go back and buy next week then.

masala chai

masala chai.....i dont drink tea and if i ever drink it must be my masala chai....n i prefer to give it to anyone who comes to my house...n they love it.
when in india i used only cardamom and ginger but now i came to know that cinnamom and black pepper are also part of it.and if honey replaces sugar...wow the taste is too good....not just the taste,the smell..the aroma that wafts around me ...of the spices and the honey really is so relaxing and soothing....thinking about it,i feel like making some right now.
tazo chai, the teabags,tries to come close but some how i prefer the homemade one.
by the by, the picture is from a fellow blogger...www.sugarandspices.info. i liked her picture than mine...so there it is.

elections

anybody following the elections08 i am well from the democrat side...i like em...i very strongly feel obama is the guy to get in the white house....not sure if any of the republican supporters can digest it....i think no...they may even accept hillary but not obama....but she dug her grave herself playing the race card even before the republicans...lemme see if american is ready to have the first ever woman president or the first ever black president....nobody knows...not yet ...if another florida does not happen...maybe this time a democrat can be the president

what's wrong?

so much is happening and so little is happening.....yeah thats how things are around me nowadays.no matter what i do no matter how hard i try i still end up at square one again and again.at times i am falling into a whirlpool of emotions .....i am hitting rock bottom....some days i am so good happy,taking care of everything....and then i donno how but for the slightest reasons i snap....i just snap ....i am filled with rage anger beyond my control ...at such times i fear to be with my baby...i fear i may hurt her....my precious baby....i say things i hate to even think of to him.....he sits in silence.i wish he does something...i want him to do something to stop it....pull me together.
failure is my worst fear...and at a time when i thought i achieved my dreams,i left them to be with him in a country i never liked for my own reasons...here i am in a strange land..without anyone to open up,no friends,no career and a baby i was not prepared for....maybe that is what is driving me mad....or the rollercoaster ride i am having is because of my post partum depression or my complete dependence on him. but whatever it is i wish i knew..i cannot sweep my feelings under the rug....reading really helps me, watching me smile makes my baby so happy wish to keep it that way....always.somehow i have to drive the negativity out and focus on our future.

sankranthi

this is our second sankranthi together....last one we did nothing,we actually planned to visit my in laws but then the ice storm changed everything n we ended up staying 3 days watching out of the windows sipping hot chocolate ... but it was wonderful.
this year i we did go anywhere again thanks to her....but then i was busy cooking...i made some murukulu,rasmalai with ricotta cheese..wow they turned out yummy will upload some snaps.then on sankranthi had a nice puja,our traditional paramannam,garelu and kalagura(mixed veg curry with yams plantain,squashes sweet potato n beans..not as good as mom's)he was happy.i dressed her up in a new skirt n shirt ..she was so cute.i think "nene dishti pedathanemo".
i told what we did as kids on bhogi...abt the bhogi manta n all the fun we had...how we spent on sankranthi n all the yummy things mummy cooked...god only knows how much she understood but saket thought bhogi manta

once again

today my co sis in law,thought she will wish us on pongal...but then she had news for me....saketh will not come anymore ....nomore babysitting,she wants to send both the kids to the same so that pickup will be easier and abhi is in a different school district so his bus wont drop him here....well i know better. its ok one more time i have to deal with her attitude.
but after seeing him all upset for his dad on monday....it makes me rethink about going back to work....does she deserve it....she cries if i leave her for a few minutes to go to bathroom,can she stay at daycare? i donno.but then what about my career n we can always use some money.
what about working at home? i have to think of the possibilities.....hope i come up with something good,good enough for me and my baby.

babysitting

this week i did something i never thought i will ever do.....now i am babysitting his nephew...they asked me when i was pregnant, i did not refuse but then they backed out for i had severe backache n cannot carry him around all the time.now they asked me again this monday when he just refused to go to his daycare centre,children's courtyard, and i agreed again.it was nice to see payal n him play around,kids pushing each other...i thought now payal will learn to protect her toys but no she just walks into a corner when he pulls a toy from her hand....needs a lot of time i think.and he it took me 2 days to fully win his confidence n make him feel he is home n not at a day care....now after a week he is well adjusted n happy n payal is ok....first day she would not eat,second day got a fever, n third day onwards she is fine around hime but the minute he leaves just cling on to me.and another thing she is doing hold her dad n sleep and she wont come to my side of the bed....feels awful.
hope she gets used to this..for when i go for a real job she has to go to a nanny....
the funny part is i am not told what to feed when to...his time table nothing....so i do everything the same way for both.....n she is like ....this is our game,our stuff..does not say a word but the way she looks at me....i feel guilty for putting her through....but then i can use some money,i always wanted to be self sufficient, n i dont even know much i will be paid or when......funny right.

chocolate cups

this is one of the many experiments i had with chocolate....n the kids at our new year party loved them.its a very simple recipe .......melt some chocolate chips n make moulds of muffin cups or the ones used for cup cakes, fill them with anything....i used chocolate balls ,caramel popcorn, brownies n tiramisu in them.then top with a mousse n just decorate or leave it.i loved decorated all the 50 pieces with colored sugar,sprinkles,caramel,coconut.it was a hit n loved them...i am a chocoholic.

tiramisu

of late i have been really into cakes,mainly bcos he refused to buy anymore cakes,i was eating a lot of them due to my depression..well i am out of it for now.but cakes and desserts i could not give up.recently my sister in law said her friend made her tiramisu n it was grt...she did not share with us...even when she knew i love cakes..
well i picked a recipe from www.hevenlytiramisu.com and tried it.
first i did not know where to get the ladyfinger cookies...googled n found them in whole woods,ditto the liquer marsala and the mascarpone cheese.funny part was i searched for that cheese in walmart and heb so many times n many stores n then after i bought it in whole foods ....there it appears in both walmart n heb...maybe for the holiday season.
well i finally managed to get all the ingredients n its so damn easy to make ....wow italians really know how to eat i thought.
it was so yummy.
basically it needs no baking...all we got to do is get the ladyfinger cookies soak them in cofee liquer and pour the cheese n cream mix on them ..its that simple.
below i copied the recipe.this is something i'll treasure and will make again and again.there are so many variations available but somehow i liked this n it does taste great n was finished off in no time....i did not eat the whole of it.....we shared it with his collegues n friends...
.
Ingredients

EGG YOLKS, 6
SUGAR, 1-1/4 cups
MASCARPONE, -1-1/4 cup
HEAVY OR WHIPPING CREAM, 1-3/4 cup + 1/2 cup
LADYFINGERS, 2 packages, (3 ounces each)
COFFEE LIQUEUR OR BRANDIED ESPRESSO, 1/3 cup
CONFECTIONERS' SUGAR, unsifted, 1 tablespoon
VANILLA EXTRACT, 1/4 teaspoon vanilla
COCOA POWDER, unsweetened, for garnish
CHOCOLATE CURLS, enough to garnish

Directions

In a small mixer bowl, beat egg yolks and sugar until thick and lemon-colored, about 1 minute.
Place in top of double boiler over boiling water.
Reduce heat to low and cook 8 to 10 minutes, stirring constantly.
Remove from heat.
Add mascarpone cheese, beating well.
In small mixer bowl, whip cream until stiff peaks form.
Fold into egg yolk mixture; set aside.
Line bottom and side of 2-1/2 to 3-quart bowl or souffle dish with ladyfinger halves, split sides up.
Brush with coffee liqueur or Brandied Expresso (directions follow).
Spoon half of egg yolk-cream mixture into ladyfinger-lined bowl.
Repeat ladyfingers, espresso and cream layers.
Garnish with Sweetened Whipped Cream (directions follow), cocoa and chocolate curls.
Cover and refrigerate several hours or overnight.

Mascarpone Cheese Substitute

Extra ingredients needed: 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, 1/4 cup sour cream, and 2 tablespoons heavy or whipping cream.
In a large mixer bowl, beat cream cheese, sour cream, and heavy or whipping cream until blended and fluffy.

Brandied Espresso
Extra ingredients needed: 1/3-cup hot water, 2 teaspoons instant coffee granules, 1 teaspoon brandy.
In small bowl, combine hot water and instant coffee granules.
Stir until coffee is dissolved.
Blend in brandy.

Sweetened Whipped Cream
In small mixer bowl, combine 1/2-cup heavy or whipping cream, 1 tablespoon unsifted confectioners' sugar, and 1/4-teaspoon vanilla extract.
Whip until stiff peaks form.