Me and my musings

laid off

2009-08-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

I am now officially laid off. Aug 14th is my last date at work
I was going through so many things in my head at that time. I took a day off on Monday only to get a call from my manager looking for. She is someone who never does that, its always me who goes to her. The is someone who never does that, its always me who goes to her. hat made me pretty much aware of what is going to happen the next day. Tuesday I walk to her and she says I need to see where others are and off she goes to my HR manager. Within 15 minutes I get a call from conference room across hall ……I knew what’s going to happen all along but when she actually told me I could not hold back my tears. All the time she was talking about how valuable I was to the team and she wants me to still stay but the company cannot afford me any longer ……all I could think in my head was ……. get it over with, I know you are laying me off say it out loud and clear. But man, was it hard to hear or harder to control the tears welling up in my eyes. I had to rush out but never show them my anguish.
I called him and within minutes we were out of office to pick my baby. I needed to be in my comfort zone …my home. And my home is where they are
P.S. That day I went on a pilgrimage from Austin to Houston ……went to Meenakshi temple and also to hillcroft to buy myself a dress to offer to lakshmi Devi on a sravana sukravaram

more lay offs

2009-07-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

yep,there were more layoffs again within 6 months in my office.i survived again.that was not what i first felt...no .there was a numbness allover i remember unable to think straight.i wanted to know who got axed if my name was in it.i survived but my friends did not.most of them will be leaving by the month end.man,that was hard to see 30% of the work force go and chances of the company doing better slim.its a nightmare for us all remaining.we cannot stop wondering when the next layoffs will be.
well i took up a new hobby of late .....beading.its really helping me keep my calm,the way baking used to help.i have my own website also poorviscreation.com

test for license

2009-03-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

Test for license

After being asked for a long time, he finally took me to write the test. And I flunked it. I failed the test. Its such a simple test and when I told the employee that I failed he was so surprised. How could I fail such a simple test what was I thinking?
Well I do have my reasons. I read well about signs, rules to be followed and all that stuff but never bothered to read about drunk driving and the fines and suspensions regarding. Why should I even bother about it? I don’t drink so there is never a chance of intoxicated driving on my behalf. Phew. And I never thought they will ask any question about it. My bad. There were at least 6 questions about drunk driving and the fines when you get caught like that, and also what will happen if we refuse to give blood samples etc for test when caught.
Man, next time I will read that part of the book also.
I failed a test after a long time maybe 20 years. And now I donno how long I have to wait to write the test again, he has to take me again. hmmm.

what if I am laid off

2009-03-03T15:07:00.000-08:00

What to do if I am laid off?

What to do if I am laid off? When the news of the first layoffs came to me, I panicked. Yes, I did panic. For about 2 weeks I could not think of anything but my job security. After all I just knew I was almost axed. But now after almost 2 months I am far away from it all. Now I am prepared, both mentally and financially. I have tightened my belt a bit, cut down on a few excesses I was taking for granted and more than that I have a plan and options to choose from if I do get laid off. What are my options? Here they are.

1. Babysitting… I can always do that at home. I can watch at least 2 more and that will give at least $1000.I am a mom of a toddler so I do know how to work with kids.
2. Catering….I can cook and even larger amounts. And I have done it before I got my current job so I can always go back to it. That can fetch me an odd 100 or 200 per month.
3. Pet sitting and dog walking…I never explored it before until I saw a recent flier...100 for dog walking per month. I can do that…well anyone can do that.
4. Baking…I sure can bake. I have a certificate to prove it and friends and family to vouch for me. The money may not be a lot but still I can make at least a few hundred bucks for sure.
5. Tutoring…I did my masters in science and did do some teaching a long while ago. If not for master’s students, I can at least teach/tutor for grade school. And when I last checked it’s at least $20 per hour and more but never less with at least 3or 4 hours a week that’s 60 to 80 per week or 240 to 320 per month per student. That’s good money for the hours.
These for sure I can pursue. All this together may not be a lot but it can sustain me for a while. Better do something useful than whining all alone is my policy now.

ways to save money

2009-03-02T15:33:00.000-08:00

well well in the days who is not looking to save some hard earned dollars.and i too know this topic has been written so many times by so many.but here i want to write down some which have worked real well for me.
1.cook at home...yep do your own cooking than pay someone else.i work 9 to 6 but i still cook all my meals every single day.i actually plan what i am gonna cook that week and bring in only those veggies.this way i dont waste anything.and not wasting is also saving.i dont throw away the curries even if its just a few spoonfuls.i pack them into small boxes and bring them all out when they are like 4 boxes......i have platter now.
if i buy herbs like curry leaves or mint....i use them fresh or make a paste and freeze them.this way nothing gets spoiled or wasted.
2.buy wholesale.........thank you costco.thats where i go every week for my milk eggs,gas,tissues,chicken,fish(frozen),bread,fruits,sugar, even some clothes(they do carry some great jeans yeah u can find calvin klein or gloria vanderbilt to name a few for lesser cost).for eg.the GV jeans i got 1 pair in jcpenny for 25 bucks.now i find a same pair in costco for just 15bucks
3.using 1 car.......we are a single car family by choice.luckily it works for us also.we work closeby.now all the money for monthly instalments,insurance,car maintenence like even car wash is saved.we get to spend more time together now,driving from and to our home,or when we go for shopping.
4.making my own jewellry...i started making my own jewellry like earrings and chains.and its easy making them all i spent was some 16 bucks for the starting materials and now i have at least 4 pairs of earrings and a necklace in the making. if i bought them outside they would cost me a lot more that.
5.baking...i bake as often as i can.not only on birthdays but for friends also.i can find so many recipes online and baking is easy just follow instructions. and u have real good cakes and cookies.
6.no bottled water or sodas....no sir i prefer my brita filter and i am sure many out there do the same.and sodas we get them only for parties which we do so few maybe a few times a year....good for health and pocket.
7.coupons...i look for coupons be it from walgreens,cvs or costco.buy them and store when i have good coupons.
8.clothes....preferably i skip going to the mall.even if i go i decide what i really want and need and buy just that.any store i go i first look at the clearence section,look for any good stuff there and then anywhere else.when i shop for clothes,i want to buy what i need then to fill up my closet not bcos a friend of mine is buying.
9.buying frozen...i buy quite a few veggies frozen. veggies like lima beans,spinach,okra(lady finger),corn.broccoli,beans....they come a lot cheaper frozen.and many say they are healthier becos they are frozen right at the fields and transported versus the fresh veggies which travel and stay out in the store for a long time.
ok enough for now more some other day

baking contest

2009-02-27T12:30:00.000-08:00

Baking contest

I won I won. I won a baking contest. Well to be frank I should not call it a contest, bcos there were only 3 cakes competing and to top it off I had friends who were prepared to vote for me even before they tasted my cake. Phew, cheating. Well I did try and bake a good one and the icing was yummy. I decorated it with cute flowers and borders. Then, to top it off that chocolate cake is not just my favorite but it’s a crowd favorite everywhere I took it. But still the victory did not feel that great. The only solace was when that little American boy came up to me and said “ I am gonna vote for you. Your cake is good.”
When his little girl friend wanted him to vote for the cheesecake.
The prize, a $50 card from target but my favorite was the smiling kids and when they shouted that they like my cake.

6 months and running

2009-02-25T09:21:00.000-08:00

hey guys,if anyone is still reading my blog,its almost 6 months now in this job.
yay.i am happy.i still have a job that i love to do.6months ...phew away from the days of waiting and waiting for a good job.no more worries about how to watch the 14 toddlers at school.just focus on my work and make good progress is all i want now.this job has taught a lot of new things,not just new techniques in lab but also new tips for life.now i do have friends and support system,sort of, at work too.we all walk for about 3 miles everyday and chat all through our walk....makes me feel so good.not just healthwise but make me a better person.hearing to others their everyday stories and letting them in on my own....makes me feel as if i am part of something..i donno how to call it but its like a group of friends.two of them are chinese(my managers) ,in their late 40s, 1 american lady in her 50s looking for date and me in my early 30s,an indian. we talk almost about anything.

new babysitter

2008-11-21T14:01:00.000-08:00

ok,now i have had it.
she,my baby, does not want her diaper changed by the baby sitter.does not want to be fed by her or at times even touch her.so i changed the babysitter.now i put her with a different indian lady who is telugu,has had kids and is well recomended.she stayed for half day.and u will not believe she started crying for the old babysitter today morning.so i had to take there instaed of the new one.i cannot tell the new one why she is not coming today so i tell her husband work from home so she at home.and u know what she will know its otherwise bcos my husbabds employee's kids also go to the same new lady.phew.

days after mummy left

2008-11-12T12:22:00.000-08:00

yep my mummy went back to India.All my attempts to take them to niagara in vain, though i did go without mummy and daddy.they had to leave early since annayya was not well,thats another story.
but after she left i dont why but for a little while i was relieved,i could do what i wanted how i wanted.there was no one to remind me of my mistakes or the other choices i could have taken in life . but all that joy was shortlived.after our vacation it was time for me to go back to work and for him too.but what about payal who will take care of her.mine was a new job i cant take lots of days off but he can,he is the boss in his office.so it was settled that he would watch payal till my in laws arrive.but the days of waiting turned into weeks and months.looks like they will take their own sweet time to come.
so i had to take matters to my hand,i zipped through the classified and viola i have a baby sitter that sounded good. try to meet her and lo my friend's kid is there.so me happys.
but not payal.2 weeks she was fine happy to play but no eating.man, i had to shuttle between work and her to feed her lunch.but this week isn't better she doesn't want to even stay there.oh man.mummy why did you even go.

growing up

2008-09-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

payal is growing up fast and man she is growing fast.like a parrot she repeats everything we say and do..from simple words to all the stories we tell her to the way we walk,brush our hair, from the way we pull up the blanket to the way her grandma reads vishnu sahasranamas,by the way her favorite bhajan is manasa bajare guru charanam.
i taught her the word all done,so that she can tell me when she is full then just push away food or throw up.so she started using it,well in her own way,she says all done even before she starts!!!
but thats not the case for fish or her favorite egg noodles.
n then i had to tell her that her tummy will say iam hungry,akali akali antadi annanuif she does not eat well.now you know what she says,amma tummy akali anatamledu,tummy does not say i am hungry.well thats just after a few spoonfuls.
during the olympics i used to show her the games and say look they all eat well,go to a coach n learn n compete and when you when gold medal everyone will say good job and pat on your back.she took it for few meals.then any prize ceromony she would tell the whole story again to me.oops.taste of my own medicine.
now she is like hooked on the song we will rock you by Queens.she loves it so much n it has become part and parcel of her dinner routine
she knows the whole alphabet,numbers lots of rhymes loves to color isnt hesitant in making mummy catch a spider for her!!!!!!!!!!
she will not touch them but will want mummy to hold any insect. puppies and cats,its a different story she will love to hold them.
you may not even believe it she loves it sit in bhajan at sai baba temple.all i need to do is give her also one of the aarthi books which she pretends to read.
all this and more at just 2 how will she be in a few years...........

promises broken

2008-09-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

again and again it happens why i dont know.mummy says ,dont have high expectations it will be fine.but how is it possible.how can i not have expectations on my husband.and why on earth can he not understand me.when you say something you must keep your word however small it is. is it bad expect your husband to keep his word.i dont think so.whenever he breaks his word it hurts me.so everytime i say please dont tell me stuff you cannot do or stuff you dont want to do.just tell me like that.no you will not.you will promise me so many things but very few ever happen why is it so?
i am sure he thinks i am silly,sensitive too emotional blah blah blah.well cannot help it thats me.and i am sure he also feels every little thing should not upset me.

one month

2008-09-04T12:36:00.000-07:00

today is my one month anniversary,yahoooooooooooooooo.one month at my new job.i survived and so did my employers.
i like my job so much that i look forward for every morning now and then the feeling i used to have before,one more day i need to survive here.my old job, i hope i never have to take it again,i worked at a day care center...i joined for fun, because i was doing nothing at that time n thought something is better than nothing...n there u go kids kids...man they r a handful lot more different than my own baby.n it was perfect for my daughter to be without me.
only two regrets,i did own my two mistakes i did this month,luckily nobodys work was effected thank GOD.
hope i dont be such a dumbo again.

freinds

2008-09-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

well well cant be happy for very long....not allowed.my friend is moving away.already i have very few friends,because i rarely go out n make any,and the ones i had are all moving away one after the other to other states.man these husbands cant they stay n work at one place.

feeling alive

2008-09-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

after a long drought i feel the rain on my heart..i am so happy.happy that i can work again in a lab.in a way i feel more alive than ever.i am doing what i always wanted.what i always loved do .for while there i doubted if i will get a job in a lab.then when i at last got one,when i was ready to give up and go back to india,i doubted if i can do it after such a long gap.then there were those times when i thought i screwed up the experiments.
but through all this i had people who believed in me more than i ever did.they taught me, be it my mother my husband or my boss,i can do anything.all i needed was to believe in myself.
thank you for believing in me and loving me so much.i want to be alive like this happy satisfied.i dont bother the long hours at work,nor the time i need to wake up to get the boxes ready.i am just plain happy now.only thing bothering is to watch my baby hesitantly waving me bye every morning.

new job..... new hopes....

2008-08-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

i am back once again...this time i have some happy news to share.i got a new job as a research associate....GOD how long i waited for it even the 6 months felt like ages.i quit my old job in children's courtyard with a vow to never work again in a day care center n never put my baby in one until she is at least4.
today is my first at work in my new job.i am nervous happy..my superviser sounds so sweet n nice.invited me for lunch...took me all around the office n introduced to everyone.i feel at home here ,at least for now.
i just hope that i do good at this job n get the work done.praying GOD everyday that he show me the way n walk me through it.

mummy n daddy

2008-04-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

after a long deliberation i asked my parents to come here ...to babysit my daughter...i wanted to start a job but hated to put her in daycare.n they agreed after another month of thinking....finally the day of arrival.i am happy,maybe i have to say its a nervous happy...i was not sure how my baby will be with them,how they can handle her...i mean i pampered her a lot n she is always with n me with her,when i will get a job,what will happen ...i was so apprehensive.
the flight would arrive at 3 pm so he went to pick them them up...then we checked the flight details..delay due to rain 4pm arrival.
ok just another hour we thought.but as time passed they did not show up i was worried what happened.
5pm he calls up n says he cannot find them.flight authorities say flight has arrived n there is no sign of them or thier luggage.
now my worry turned to panic..i started calling american airlines...asking for details about the flight..all they say is flight has arrived...n would not give out any details about my parents whereabouts....all i wanted to know was if they got on the flight in new yerk n washington..nope no information......i tried to be composed,fight back my tears but could not...i could not talk on phone normally i was crying n pleading for any information they can give about them.
i was so worried bcos i made them travel this far for me my father turns 70 this year n my mum is 55 ...i get angry with them many a time n at times even hate them but not knowing how they are and where there put me in a completely new perspective.i could not bear losing them
6pm he calls me ...he found them
they were in the flight n its was on the runway all the time after landing.nobody would tell that.all they would say is everyone in that flight left.
7pm they come home.
i was never more happy or relieved seeing them
how could the authorities do such a thing....how they give wrong information that all passengers have left?dont they have any responsiblity?

sonia

2008-03-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

sonia gandhi..time and again when i hear her name or as matter of fact any of her so called gandhi family...i just dont know how we did this to us ...i mean how come jawahar lal nehru's daughter become a gandhi when the husband's name is feroze gandhy..a parsi surname..when did the change happen and why....how come so many dont even know that n think that they are of 'mahatma' gandhi family in the rural india,n there r lie all the votes ..when the real gandhi family lives in obscurity.
how did she rise to be the most powerful person in the country when she never wanted anything to do with indian politics and even an indian citizenship for a real long time. now here she is discussing about our nuclear policy with the world and any world leader who visits india does stop at 10 janpath as does the files from pmo and the sardarji himself.
she wanted to be our PM and so did all her super supporters in congress but according to our parliament and our constitution,no person of any country can hold a public position n our country when our countrymen cannot hold a public post in their country or simply put reciprocity rule.so former president kalaam did not allow her to be the prime minister and lo a sardharji was made prime minister...making all the sardharji jokes true.but how come she is a MP still...thanks to the supreme court
i do not disrespect him..manmohan singh is good person and experienced but was that the only criterion for his present position.
i am not bjp supportor or that of RSS...as a matter of fact i dont support any party but how come in a country of 1 billion we dont have one able leader...not one person who can unite the masses and educated, a person with a vision and less of self interest...ok let him/her make some money enough for the next 10 generations or more like any other politician but still do some good to our country from the grassroots.
sounds silly right..i ok with a corrupt politician yep i know its a compromise but is there not one good leader in this country.
is it true ...the sonia gandhi family is never checked for security anywhere in india..i mean their luggage and stuff.
please someone assure me there is some hope

these days

2008-03-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

life hasnt changed much me,yes i am trying to get myself busy....making new friends,doing odd jobs n stuff like.
when did i last write any thing maybe a month ago,since then i successfully finished my wilton course one...made lots of cakes, even got an offer to start my own bakery.still thinking about it.i catered for a party n got a good pay...did some babysitting jobs,made some money...got flu, moved into a new apartment,finished all the packing and unpacking in 2 days,starting my new kitchen garden in my patio,waiting eagerly for mummy and daddy,diving in and out of migraines...man they are bad must see a doctor soon,applying for jobs..waiting for replies..listening friends not to show a gap in resume...just put something yaar..uh..but how can i write i did a project when i did not...then they say i will not get any job here.god help me.
through all this onething wakes me up every morning from this last....a warm big hug and a soft kiss from him...makes me forget every pain every worry and gives me enough strength to face another day.
thank you sree for being so patient checking on my blog...i now know for sure there is someone who will be checking on me

growing up

2008-02-19T12:09:00.000-08:00

my baby is growing and she is real fast.nowadays she wants to eat with a spoon herself at times,run for bath and pour water on her and play with soap,change her clothes..she is trying to do a lot.put all the papers she tore up into trash can,sweep the news paper under the sofa to tidy up room for visiters,pull clothes out of the dryer,even pick up the coffee cup his father left by the sofa and instead dropping it on sofa and again clean it up with a tissue...my baby,my cute little baby wants to do everything.she knows no shoes inside the house and even puts them off at times.
it was funny to watch her in our new apartment...we are abt to move and were checking it out...we were wearing our shoes n lo she says take my shoes off...and we both had to remove our shoes..she went back,picked up the shoes and put them in the empty closet..wow way to go dear.
makes me think she is grown up..and then comes running to me saying 'pick me up',raising her hands...want to be held,carried show her the moon...dreamily plays with my hair with a finger in her mouth...wants all my attention no sharing not even with daddy at times....now i think she is still my baby.

looks

2008-02-06T22:15:00.000-08:00

today was so different...we both woke up so early,i usually wake up for baby but get back to bed or just try for a cat nap in the morning and he wakes up around 8...whatever.
i tried to read a while and lo his boss called him for lunch so no packing him lunch also...another unusual.ok now what,made some pancakes ,by the time baby is up... fight with her to brush as usual and again so that she can eat some gerber ...hmm not so usual.
we played all day till lunch and my baby wasn't fussy and not so happy too with lunch another day another hour for lunch...now time for teletubbies followed by milk..luckily i managed a couple of ounces.now she is ready to buzz off.but then she keeps on waking up every 30 mins.
tryng to get her back to sleep the fourth time i dozed off...thought i can wake up around 3.30 but it was almost 4.30 when we got up.usually she pulls my hair,my eyes anything to wake up as soon she she gets up and that is within 15 minutes i join her in bed usually...what happened i wanted to read when she sleeps and ended up sleeping for soooooo long.
hurry up its almost time within an hour and half i should give her a bath have mine...prepare her dinner,his snack and between all the get her yougurt clean dishes give her milk and get ready for my first cake decoration class...yep today it is.
later when he drove me off to the class, i was so apprehensive ...he is about to feed her dinner for the first time,at hs brother's house..will she eat?what will my bro in law think?will she be okay without me?
at the class i had this wierd feeling everyone is mocking me..and even the instructor was almost said,in her words"i never thought u would...." when i said i bake my own dulce de leche cakes...i knew later why...i was dressed ok..but no make up and in all the hurry i did not comb my hair properly ..i mean its not so bad but not the usual clean pony...wow how people judge on looks....its ok seen that so many times, i must get used to it
my baby was not upset as long as she was with her cousins, she did not eat her dinner properly ...he tried hard to manage her for the 2 hrs and even when she started bellowing when her hand got struck in the car seat belt..which of course she opened,on the way to pick me up...she was without me for the first time and he survived maybe becos of the cousin factor
ok goto go she is up and is crying

happy news

2008-02-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

as i said before i posted the ad...and then it happened.my parents called me up and said they will come here and help me with my baby and i can take care of my carreer ...hey i am so happy.so what to do...i started applying for jobs...microbiologist,molecular biologist and for a science teacher.
i want to start slow, baby steps...i have away from books for a long time and almost forgot everything ...and hardly can make enough time to read...hmmm must make some changes ....from today i will leave the baby to him for a while and sit in apartment office and read.reduced all the time i spend cooking ..nomore cooking 5 times a day.
we have to move into a new apartment,saw one yesterday and we really like it but its on the third floor...its ok i hope with the baby.
need to do plenty of shopping for mummy and daddy's room.i am really looking forward for them and hope i get a job by then
the funny thing in all this was...the two ladies working in the apartment office were too good....one charged us a 300 dollars for moving out of the present apartment...and showed us a bad one.the next day another lady comes shows a beautiful apartment and cancelled all of the 300 dollars....ring a bell..good cop and bad cop.
and now i am getting plenty of calls for baby sitting ....oops i forgot to pull the ad off

me and my baby

2008-01-31T11:25:00.000-08:00

i dont know it is me or every other person who advices me...my baby is 18 month old and i really really want to go and work have a career and make some money for us.but then the problem is, i dont know what to do abt her. everyone says,hey put her in a daycare like us...but my baby is not 3 old like them...nor does she eat herself or even drink her milk herself....i have to hold her bottle or the sippy cup and i must feed her. she is starting to eat herself...but that is junk...noodles,chips,frys.
and on top of it i have trust issues,i can't just hand her off to a complete stranger and just hope they will take good care of her.
so what i did is...i placed an ad in sulekha.com ....that i want to baby sit and do catering.
lets see what happens now.

finally...

2008-01-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

this is something i wanted to share for a while and like many other things i postponed again....procrastination.... procrastination,i have to shake it off.we finally paid off all our credit card loans..well it was about 6000 or 7000 when we got married,his student loans, and then the baby expenses added up quickly.all my life i hated to be in debt...at least money wise.i felt it was always following me everywhere...and had to think a hundred times to spend a dollar.
these 2 years we tried hard to keep expenses low,with him only working,my parents stay after my delivery and the new car after the old one was totalled in an accident,lucky,he was safe,it was a rough last year.
but with the new year everything changed, we are doing great financially.saved up some already and it will all end up in her college fund and our retirement fund and promise never to be in debt again.
maybe this year i will start a job,i need to be sure i find someone who can take good care of her first.or maybe work somthing out from home.hope this year will be good careerwise also for us.i need to hang in there.

cake decoration

2008-01-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

cakes i love 'em....to bake and of course to eat but more to decorate them.of late my reapeated attempts to decorate my chocolate cakes fumbled and i messes up again and again...so now i decided to take some classes for cake decoration....something i have been postponing for a while.i am all excited.
yesterday he took me to the baking supply shop....it was like alice in wonderland for me, with all the pans,cake decorations,cookie cutters,food colors..they have hundreds and hundreds of them, the sparkles and sprinkles....they were so good.i got some cookie cutters,stencils for writing on cake and designs.i felt like buying a lot more....something i usually dont do but then he talked me out of it saying u can buy whatever you want after the classes at MICHEALS.well i go back and buy next week then.

masala chai

2008-01-29T20:38:00.000-08:00

masala chai.....i dont drink tea and if i ever drink it must be my masala chai....n i prefer to give it to anyone who comes to my house...n they love it.
when in india i used only cardamom and ginger but now i came to know that cinnamom and black pepper are also part of it.and if honey replaces sugar...wow the taste is too good....not just the taste,the smell..the aroma that wafts around me ...of the spices and the honey really is so relaxing and soothing....thinking about it,i feel like making some right now.
tazo chai, the teabags,tries to come close but some how i prefer the homemade one.
by the by, the picture is from a fellow blogger...www.sugarandspices.info. i liked her picture than mine...so there it is.

elections

2008-01-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

anybody following the elections08 i am well from the democrat side...i like em...i very strongly feel obama is the guy to get in the white house....not sure if any of the republican supporters can digest it....i think no...they may even accept hillary but not obama....but she dug her grave herself playing the race card even before the republicans...lemme see if american is ready to have the first ever woman president or the first ever black president....nobody knows...not yet ...if another florida does not happen...maybe this time a democrat can be the president

what's wrong?

2008-01-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

so much is happening and so little is happening.....yeah thats how things are around me nowadays.no matter what i do no matter how hard i try i still end up at square one again and again.at times i am falling into a whirlpool of emotions .....i am hitting rock bottom....some days i am so good happy,taking care of everything....and then i donno how but for the slightest reasons i snap....i just snap ....i am filled with rage anger beyond my control ...at such times i fear to be with my baby...i fear i may hurt her....my precious baby....i say things i hate to even think of to him.....he sits in silence.i wish he does something...i want him to do something to stop it....pull me together.
failure is my worst fear...and at a time when i thought i achieved my dreams,i left them to be with him in a country i never liked for my own reasons...here i am in a strange land..without anyone to open up,no friends,no career and a baby i was not prepared for....maybe that is what is driving me mad....or the rollercoaster ride i am having is because of my post partum depression or my complete dependence on him. but whatever it is i wish i knew..i cannot sweep my feelings under the rug....reading really helps me, watching me smile makes my baby so happy wish to keep it that way....always.somehow i have to drive the negativity out and focus on our future.

sankranthi

2008-01-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

this is our second sankranthi together....last one we did nothing,we actually planned to visit my in laws but then the ice storm changed everything n we ended up staying 3 days watching out of the windows sipping hot chocolate ... but it was wonderful.
this year i we did go anywhere again thanks to her....but then i was busy cooking...i made some murukulu,rasmalai with ricotta cheese..wow they turned out yummy will upload some snaps.then on sankranthi had a nice puja,our traditional paramannam,garelu and kalagura(mixed veg curry with yams plantain,squashes sweet potato n beans..not as good as mom's)he was happy.i dressed her up in a new skirt n shirt ..she was so cute.i think "nene dishti pedathanemo".
i told what we did as kids on bhogi...abt the bhogi manta n all the fun we had...how we spent on sankranthi n all the yummy things mummy cooked...god only knows how much she understood but saket thought bhogi manta

once again

2008-01-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

today my co sis in law,thought she will wish us on pongal...but then she had news for me....saketh will not come anymore ....nomore babysitting,she wants to send both the kids to the same so that pickup will be easier and abhi is in a different school district so his bus wont drop him here....well i know better. its ok one more time i have to deal with her attitude.
but after seeing him all upset for his dad on monday....it makes me rethink about going back to work....does she deserve it....she cries if i leave her for a few minutes to go to bathroom,can she stay at daycare? i donno.but then what about my career n we can always use some money.
what about working at home? i have to think of the possibilities.....hope i come up with something good,good enough for me and my baby.

babysitting

2008-01-12T20:44:00.000-08:00

this week i did something i never thought i will ever do.....now i am babysitting his nephew...they asked me when i was pregnant, i did not refuse but then they backed out for i had severe backache n cannot carry him around all the time.now they asked me again this monday when he just refused to go to his daycare centre,children's courtyard, and i agreed again.it was nice to see payal n him play around,kids pushing each other...i thought now payal will learn to protect her toys but no she just walks into a corner when he pulls a toy from her hand....needs a lot of time i think.and he it took me 2 days to fully win his confidence n make him feel he is home n not at a day care....now after a week he is well adjusted n happy n payal is ok....first day she would not eat,second day got a fever, n third day onwards she is fine around hime but the minute he leaves just cling on to me.and another thing she is doing hold her dad n sleep and she wont come to my side of the bed....feels awful.
hope she gets used to this..for when i go for a real job she has to go to a nanny....
the funny part is i am not told what to feed when to...his time table nothing....so i do everything the same way for both.....n she is like ....this is our game,our stuff..does not say a word but the way she looks at me....i feel guilty for putting her through....but then i can use some money,i always wanted to be self sufficient, n i dont even know much i will be paid or when......funny right.

chocolate cups

2008-01-12T20:30:00.000-08:00

this is one of the many experiments i had with chocolate....n the kids at our new year party loved them.its a very simple recipe .......melt some chocolate chips n make moulds of muffin cups or the ones used for cup cakes, fill them with anything....i used chocolate balls ,caramel popcorn, brownies n tiramisu in them.then top with a mousse n just decorate or leave it.i loved decorated all the 50 pieces with colored sugar,sprinkles,caramel,coconut.it was a hit n loved them...i am a chocoholic.

tiramisu

2008-01-02T21:01:00.000-08:00

of late i have been really into cakes,mainly bcos he refused to buy anymore cakes,i was eating a lot of them due to my depression..well i am out of it for now.but cakes and desserts i could not give up.recently my sister in law said her friend made her tiramisu n it was grt...she did not share with us...even when she knew i love cakes..
well i picked a recipe from www.hevenlytiramisu.com and tried it.
first i did not know where to get the ladyfinger cookies...googled n found them in whole woods,ditto the liquer marsala and the mascarpone cheese.funny part was i searched for that cheese in walmart and heb so many times n many stores n then after i bought it in whole foods ....there it appears in both walmart n heb...maybe for the holiday season.
well i finally managed to get all the ingredients n its so damn easy to make ....wow italians really know how to eat i thought.
it was so yummy.
basically it needs no baking...all we got to do is get the ladyfinger cookies soak them in cofee liquer and pour the cheese n cream mix on them ..its that simple.
below i copied the recipe.this is something i'll treasure and will make again and again.there are so many variations available but somehow i liked this n it does taste great n was finished off in no time....i did not eat the whole of it.....we shared it with his collegues n friends...
.
Ingredients

EGG YOLKS, 6
SUGAR, 1-1/4 cups
MASCARPONE, -1-1/4 cup
HEAVY OR WHIPPING CREAM, 1-3/4 cup + 1/2 cup
LADYFINGERS, 2 packages, (3 ounces each)
COFFEE LIQUEUR OR BRANDIED ESPRESSO, 1/3 cup
CONFECTIONERS' SUGAR, unsifted, 1 tablespoon
VANILLA EXTRACT, 1/4 teaspoon vanilla
COCOA POWDER, unsweetened, for garnish
CHOCOLATE CURLS, enough to garnish

Directions

In a small mixer bowl, beat egg yolks and sugar until thick and lemon-colored, about 1 minute.
Place in top of double boiler over boiling water.
Reduce heat to low and cook 8 to 10 minutes, stirring constantly.
Remove from heat.
Add mascarpone cheese, beating well.
In small mixer bowl, whip cream until stiff peaks form.
Fold into egg yolk mixture; set aside.
Line bottom and side of 2-1/2 to 3-quart bowl or souffle dish with ladyfinger halves, split sides up.
Brush with coffee liqueur or Brandied Expresso (directions follow).
Spoon half of egg yolk-cream mixture into ladyfinger-lined bowl.
Repeat ladyfingers, espresso and cream layers.
Garnish with Sweetened Whipped Cream (directions follow), cocoa and chocolate curls.
Cover and refrigerate several hours or overnight.

Mascarpone Cheese Substitute

Extra ingredients needed: 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, 1/4 cup sour cream, and 2 tablespoons heavy or whipping cream.
In a large mixer bowl, beat cream cheese, sour cream, and heavy or whipping cream until blended and fluffy.

Brandied Espresso
Extra ingredients needed: 1/3-cup hot water, 2 teaspoons instant coffee granules, 1 teaspoon brandy.
In small bowl, combine hot water and instant coffee granules.
Stir until coffee is dissolved.
Blend in brandy.

Sweetened Whipped Cream
In small mixer bowl, combine 1/2-cup heavy or whipping cream, 1 tablespoon unsifted confectioners' sugar, and 1/4-teaspoon vanilla extract.
Whip until stiff peaks form.

taare zameen par

2007-12-29T21:51:00.000-08:00

recently i have seen so many movies but one i can relate to n loved is taare zameen par,the directorial debut of aamir khan.the little boy,who loved to draw n watch the world....who could not get along with other kids let alone his studies..always failing..always bullied...nobody could understand him not even his parents....until the problem is identified by a teacher n getting help.the kid was wonderful....n the movie was too..i was taken back to my school days....always mocked n bullied...for being clumsy,for being short n dark....always alone ...i couldn't fight back my tears...i cried,maybe thats the first time i cried watching a movie...his problem was dyslexia n mine i donno,i was sort of dyslexic as a kid but changed a lot.never a problem with studies though failed at medical entrance,it took a long time to cope with failure but then i always topped class in degree n got a fellowship in masters which i gave up to get married with him...but never made through with people....donno why.his solace was painting and my solace were my painting n poetry n my mom n now him.
how i wish i had good friends then n even now.i got some in between but when i moved here we just got so busy in our lives that we hardly ever mail each other.
one thing always bothered me.....why would somebody want to bully anyone?do they even think how hurtful it is?

my love

2007-11-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

i am falling in love all over again ..no its not another guy but its him....the same person for the last 2 years....whom i loved and then hated, doubted,felt like moving away....i shouted at him scolded him....said he brought me here, made me miserable,scolded why he got his documents n not me even when he does not need a new EAD and i so desperately want.....all through my bickering n name calling he stood with me held me close .....sometimes i feel i cannot be without him,what will i do, i fear some day he will give up one me for all my anger.....but i also know he wont...for he loves me ....so much that i feel miserable for the things i say to him....all i want now is to hold him n close my eyes .... this will pass n with him beside me i can face anything oh yeah thats how he makes me feel....happy,confident,complete

my garden

2007-11-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

its been sometime since i got any new plants ...i am concentrating on the ones i have..oh almost forgot,i now have my own tulasi, after many trials..its growing well thanks to the seeds mummy got me last year.all the daisies are having so many new buds looks like this year i can see them all in bloom my whites,yellow and purple.somehow thats pretty much like my life now...i can see my dreams n a hope to see them come true ...but i have to wait somemore days maybe months.....my EAD is lost in post it seems...wait n wait lemme see what happens.

my favorite foods

2007-11-05T11:02:00.001-08:00

these days of waiting and depressing disappointments led me back to my favorite food,oh how i love them...my best comfort foods though have changed..no more chocolates but its chocolate cakes....n more interesting i am baking them for myself chocolate fudge cakes,black forest cakes n i am loving them.oh i almost forgot ..my newfound love ..peanut butter and its all mine..he is allergic to peanuts.i am sure all this wait for my EAD sure will make me a few pounds heavier.
these days a few nice things also happened.... my baby is happy n healthy...she is walking actually running around and jumping.and she is having her bottle when awake ..well i had to wait for more than a year but as everything else in my life i have to wait and wait.

good things

2007-10-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

some really good things happened these last months....my baby is doing grt n i am so happy for her.at last after more than a year she started to drink her milk when awake ... thats a big thing for me.... no need to get her to sleep 5 times a day. now she is sticking to her schedule n i am happy to have a routine.to c her full after her bottle n just give me big hug.

back

2007-10-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

almost 3 months, i just did not want to write...lost in depression almost suicidal then back but still not there.for the last 3 months i was waiting very desperately for my EAD n its still not here.i want a job that will not only boost my confidence but can makes matters easy on him..........i am looking for just any job now...cant go for a science job they are in down town a 2 hr drive, n i dont even know how to drive ..he has no time to teach me n i can't go for a tutor not unless i earn.then there is my baby wher can i find a babysitter who will feed her n play with with a smile always n never raising her voice...otherwise she wouldn't eat.but first will she be ok without me...she wont leave me except in sleep even now...what to do??????

cakes

2007-08-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

on my birthday he got me a baking set,i was overjoyed for i love cakes n muffins ...now i can make them myself.
since then i made muffins ,cup cakes ,cookies, brownies a lot
first i made a choclate cake for his birthday ...it did not come out as i planned bcos i left it in oven after switching it off. then i tried a carrot cake for her....it came out so well....everyone loved it.
now i want to try the dulce de leche cake ....we simply love it like my friend says its sinfully delicious....we got it for her party ...but for our anniversary i want to bake a dulce de leche cake....yep its our second anniversary this 20th.

swimming pool

2007-08-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

i take her out on walks everday at least twice....n nowadays we started going to the pool....na no swimming we just walk in the shallow waters everyday n play around for say 20 mins n head back.but yesterday was different i wanted to take her into the water....he knows swimming so i dragged him out of his couch n to the pool...she liked it first but when she was being fussy i went in ...i was wearing a pj n a tshirt..i know others were staring at me...but i wanted to comfort her but not take her out of the water so soon....my it felt so good as if i was flying...i liked it floating in water man i want to learn swiming even more now.

party

2007-08-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

its over...the party is over ..after all the days i spent planning for it...it seems like it was over too fast...i made all the dishes except sambhar as i wanted to.i made chole chaat, pav bhaji,kadai paneer,dondakayi curry,gobi 65, brownies kalakhand,chakrapongali,biryani,boondhi raitha,n even the sev for the chaat n boondh for the raitha.i wanted it all done before she is up so had to wake up at 4 n start...luckily i pulled it off.everybody loved the food so much that i am now starting catering....i already have one order... a birthday cake for his nephew...i am so happy.

last few weeks

2007-08-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

yes it is 1 year,already....she turned 1 this sunday, 29th july.
a lot has happened this year ...every moment was different some painful, out of breath exhausted overwhelmed ...many a time i dont know what to do..how to get her to eat or drink her milk.....may be this was not how i planned to write abt her bday...but last 2 days are really bad she hardly takes anything...but above that my baby is all smiles every moment,even when she falls gets hurt all she does look up for me n smile.....wish i can do that.
i dont know why but everytime she does not eat i feel like i failed...failed as a mother....i could never feed her ..she had to be given bottle which she literally hates to date. i pictured motherhood a different way n nothing has turned out like that...i never could reconcile with myself ..somehow feel like its my fault...cannot control my anger..it gets real bad n i break down ....n.. ..n he is so bad with crying girls..just helpless cant even console me...but she does..hugs me wipes my tears gets her ball n makes me play n smile...i need to learn a lot from her.
some how i did not want make a big issue abt her bday ...but do something good,so v arranged a breakfast n lunch at prema samajam,my father in law took care of it...v dont have any frds here..but his brother n family live here so i invited them over for dinner...made a nice dinner n they enjoyed it...made a cake...it came out so good everyone loved it n the pizza was ok but his nephews preferred the cake n pizza to anything else.what i liked abt that day was she was happy spent a lot of time with her cousins playing n being the youngest getting pampered by all.
but then v r having a party this saturday for some of the people v know here...i wont call them frds for they never bothered abt us until his big promotion ...(so convenient right...come talk when u need help otherwise stay away) but then we r having it anyway..its more like his promotion party then her bday bash...i am doing all the cooking (to save some bucks n this is what to goes to prema samajam...something inside did not want to spend a lot on people who dont care,so i preferred people who need some care) n had planned a big menu hope i can do it all without my baby getting mad at me.
one more thing i was busy these days was with harry potter ..i finishe it ..took more than a week with my baby but then i finished it ..its good ..hope she writes again

visit to doctor

2007-07-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

i had go to the doctor last week...its abt my toe...the nail had grown ..well inside the skin...phew...everything that touchs there i would scream in pain,it became so bad that my baby was imitating me...she picks up things fast....n u wont believe she thought all the time i am playing a game,i mean everytime she stands on my feet i would scream n just that she may not be frightened i would laugh n make faces....my mistake.
it all happened bcos i got busy with my babies ...oh yeah never mentioned before right i have 2 babies .....one i had the day i got married and another a year later, my payal. i like to cook everymeal, four times a day for them n have to spend more time to get them to eat n then cleaning i was left with too little of my time which i spend on them again....me baddy.
now i did not cut it in time my nail so the doc did it for me...not just the tip but almost half of it till the base, of course had a shot of anesthesia to the toe.
the saying 'a stitch in time saves nine' makes sense to me now.
u know the funny part was....the doc a desi...was the first person i felt at home talking to after coming here,i mean in person after him. she appreciated for being a tough one..for i preferred to watch the whole process of pealing of my nail, than just lying down.but thats not the reason....she talked to me, not his wife...me as a person...not bcos he is promoted n can give job to her or her brother...as some did in a party...all of a sudden taking notice of me after 2 years...for once i liked to be known as me ..after a long time.

my wieght loss story

2007-07-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

one the side effects of pregnancy,(yep thats how i say it.....)was my wieght gain.
i gained almost a 50 pounds well not all during my pregnancy,maybe a 10 when i was lazing off after my marriage.i was always a thin girl abt 50 kgs never even crossed 55 all my life n now u can imagine the horror i felt at 150 pounds....my parents were so shocked when the saw me....i thought all along ok let the baby come out i'll bcom normal again...but even 6 six months after baby i was 145...what to do...i tried gym lost maybe 5 pounds....but after mummy daddy left i was doing all the cooking n he as usual was too busy.
coming to my baby, she is an angel the sweetest baby as long as i dont try to feed her....as i said before she hates bottle ndoes not drink when awake so i had to spend more time trying to get her to sleep at feeding time....frustrating time taking n energy draining. nu wont believe she took care of my dieting...any minute i spend away from her even eating ...she would cry real badly ...so i had 2 choices eat petful n watch her cry or finish as fast as possible b4 she starts crying ... thats my dieting.
my wieghts...oh yeah i did some weights slowly increasing in pounds.... my baby again... she wont sit in a high chair so i carry her around till she finishes her ceareal or rice or gerber...ophh what a slow eater she is.
my walks....lots of it ...yeah u r right with my baby....we walk all around the apartments now in a stroller but b4 we lived on 3rd floor so i preferred to carry her during our walks.
i should really thank my baby if not for her i would have been still at 150...well lets me not say she was responsible for me getting here...now i am 115 yahoooooooooooooooooooooo.

changes

2007-07-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

yep n lots of them.....he has changed a lot these last few days.
i dont say he was bad before...but now he spends more n more time with the baby n thats what i always wanted...now i can be in kitchen n hear their laughs not her cries...i dont need to lose my temper...not even when she does not eat...i wait n try again.now i feel i have more energy..not worried or depressed,i am actually looking forward each day.
earliar also i did everything but then i was not so happy at times.....i felt like incomplete...but now i do with a new zest

not again

2007-07-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

they changed the dates.....the visa bulletin got us bad news this time...not july but october n GOD only knows when i can get a job i have to confess it did not bother me as much as the fact i could not get the job i was hoping for...maybe i am getting used to it now...
again n again it happens .... i try to build something n it just gets blown away n i have to rebuild it again n i will i just need to wait some more
the good part is we will get more money at least for this quarterly well his share of the firm profits....no filing fees n no lawyer fees at least now....maybe in october

accident..........

2007-06-29T13:58:00.000-07:00

yep accident....he met with an accident. maybe its not the way to put it but then he just crashed his car when he drove off the red light..so unlike him hmm that he did bcos the guy in front of him drove n being on phone with a client he did not c the lights n followed him for the first time...i am sure he will never ever repeat it again.
last friday ....the first time i said i wont pack lunch for him....reason.. i was so angry for he does not help me with the baby n i was drained out after the moving n unpacking n cleaning n ofcourse the cooking for his bday...i did most of the cleaning all the packing n unpacking as he was too busy at work.....the result he goes out to pick lunch n runs over the red...final result..a chevy tahoe slams into our car...poor thing its totalled leaving him totally shaken but walks out unharmed except the bruises n cramps...
lesson/s he learned....never talk on phone when driving,dont ever blindly follow,
what about not making me angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lesson i learned...never ever say i wont pack u lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yahooooooooo

2007-06-20T15:51:00.000-07:00

at last my prayers are answered... the other day he told me our green card processing is accelerated i mean ....we will get the green card maybe in a year.....but important for me i'll get a work permit in six months...yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
i am happy i am happy i am so happy....i can work soon n by then my baby will be a year n a half....n i dont need to go n file for a h1b as i planned anymore...n then when i earn enough i will go to college ...i mean i can do that now but i dont want him to pay for it u call it egotist or whatever i dont like anyone paying my bills unless i can contribute something myself....i mean not just the cooking, cleaning or the baby more than that i want....maybe then i can afford to call my parents to take of my baby when i am off to work...all by myself.
i am so looking forward to it....so badly

back at last

2007-06-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

at last i am back here again .... to my blog....my own recluse...its almost a month...
what happened these days .... a lot ... i had a fever down for a week then we moved ..4 days gone in packing n unpacking n all the cleaning of both the apts...n then comes his b'day on sunday so off goes another week preparing all his favorite stuff when he was away at work n thanks to my baby...oh how could she bcom so demanding these days.... uff how i wish i can find some free time for just myself at least sometime....yeah a lttle time for myself wont hurt right.
hey have a question its bothering me real bad from the day i arrived here oh yeah from day 1 .... everytime i see a desi i can't help but say a hi with a smile for i am seeing my countrymen n all get back is who r u sort of look..well most of them....i mean is it me the americans r fine with me they talk with me n my baby....i am not an intimidating person....i dont think a 5 feet 1 inch 120 pound person with a friendly disposition ( well bragging abt myself!!!!!!!!!!!)....am i intimidating??????????? is it me or just my imagination???????

9

me again

2007-05-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

well i am not trying to bore u all but when a dear frd tags u why not tag along

smoked cigarettes....phew cant even think abt that...i choke on cigarette smoke
crashed a frds car...never
stolen a car...too big to get away with..nope
been in love with Mr.X....I thought i was but turned it was just a crush
been dumped....someone dare dump me..nope
shoplifted....well i did i have to confess....when i was a small kid took a few chocs...i love them.
been fired..lemme get a job first then can think of getting fired
been in a fist fight....nope,i am a peaceful soul.
snuck out of ur parents home...that concept doesn't exist in India...so they get u married
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back....lemme remember..nah
been arrested...dont want to ever
gone for a blind date...no not me
lied to a frd ... never to a frd
skipped school...sorry i was a boring geek then,well even now kind of
seen someone die...only my doggy,gracy,my samurai
had a crush on ur internet frd...nope
been to canada....not yet but will in 2008
been to mexico.... not yet
been on plane....thats how i ended up here
purposely set a part of u on fire....well few times in lab...v have to clean our hands with alcohol n then take to cultures n i hated to wait till they dry up so the fire but it wont hurt
eaten sushi....eating fresh includes only fruits n some veggies in my dictionary
been jet skiing...nope but love to
met someone in person u met on internet...next year i will
taken pain killers....yep after a c-section
loved n missed someone....yep it happens but life goes on
flown a kite...yes yes yes n i enjoy it
built a sand castle....all of bygone childhood..goldendays right
gone puddle jumping...all the time loved ride the bike in them n get clothes dirty n also scolding but then its fun isn't...shhhh my baby shouldn't hear
cheated while playing a game.....to be honest i tried n could not
been lonely.....wanna make me cry
fallen asleep at school or work...both, at school i once dozed off only to wake up n find the whole class staring at me n teacher right beside me n at work the boring seminars,why do they put them just after a good lunch
used a fake id...nope but a fake name n stuff when on some websites...everybody does not need my name right
watched a sunset...love it everytime nature, is just splendid
felt an earthquake...one of the things i dont want to experience
touched a snake ... yep n love to watch them
slept beneath stars... manytimes...those days of powercut n those games v played
been robbed...never of material possesions but yes....coming here i feel robbed of myself
been misunderstood...at times for i rarely let everyone know my thoughts
petted reindeer or goat...goats n sheep many times
won a contest...many but what good r they now when u feel defeated by urself
run a redight/stop light....lemme get a license
been suspended from school...nope,never
been in a car accident....never
eaten a whole pint of icecream in one night....love it but less is more for me at times
had deja vu....many a time
danced in moonlite....feels great right
witnessed a crime....nope
been obsessed with post it notes...i dont use them
squished barefoot thru mud.....never in life not even as a baby..
been lost....nope,never always knew my way around
been on the opposite side of the country....in India yes here yet to wander
swam in the ocean....want to at least once in life
cried urself to sleep....yep after coming here, hiding my tears from him
played cops n robbers....a lot of times when a kid
recently coloured with crayons....nope,maybe some time soon i'll get back to my colours
sung karoke.....want to run away ok then i'll try
paid for meal in coins...no but for xerox,rs.1000...it was good to c his face
done something u told urself u won't....yep everytime i get angry with i say i won't be the one to talk but within 5 mins i'll be there talking
made prank calls....yep to one stupid guy at college who thought himself to be the most coolest guy around.
caught a snow flake on ur tongue.... nope not yet
written a letter to santa.... nope
blown bubbles .... yep n still do with my baby n even in bath when in a playful mood
bonfire on beach....nope but did on bhogi every year
laughed so hard that u pee in ur pants....kind of yes ....during those 9 months
cheated on test.... i have to confess,i tried to in college but i was shorter than the girl in front n the one beside me had a different question.
at last, i finished it yaar....my i never knew u were so cross with me!!!!!!!!!!!!

alpha dog

2007-05-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

yesterday we saw alpha dog,a movie starring justin timberlake,sharon stone,bruce willis etc...its based on true incidents.
the kids of some rich fathers have nothing to do but party n not just that, drugs alcohol n girls.into this tag along more kids n some bcom drug dealers ..everything goes ok for a while until one fellow fails to pay up n so ensues a chain of events which lead to the kidnap of his innocent bro n his ultimate killing.sounds simple right... regular plot
but its real n happens everyday here it seems...so many saw the kidnap n nobody bothered...many more knew he was kidnapped when they meet him as hostage n think its cool n sickest part is the guys who killed him were so friendly with till then n they kill him so brutally gruesome...man it was sickening
i could not watch it...i loved watching action films all my life n saw tons n tons of them but then now i cant' stand them anymore....they bother me
they bother me because ...this is world my baby will have to live in ....man what can i do to help her.

ohmigosh

2007-05-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

yep thats what i feel nowadays....am i confusing.well i am confused donno if i have to be happy or upset.let me tell why now
i want a job badly pretty badly..... that way i won't be depending on him for everything...no more parasite life feels grt right.so what i did?
i came to know that his company offers jobs to h4s at times....exactly what i wanted GOD u are great.but the pay!!!!!!! ok ok lemme get the job first then we can see.
then next thing i did was ....please help me get the job nanna.this went for days n days.
me pushing him for it n he too embarassed to ask. why? well what if they say no? come on what will happen? at most i won't get the job,thats all.
at last i lost patience.... hey why cant u talk about my job with ur boss?
well he did one fine day n u know what happened ....he got a big promotion
n my job???????????

3 questions n me

2007-05-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

well i am just trying to tag along

three things i am afraid of

failure
being alone
bad people

3 people who make me laugh

my hubby
my baby
my nephews

3 things i love

plants, basically nature
walking in rain with an icecream n no umbrella
holding him n falling asleep

3 things i hate

lies n dishonesty
being dependent
feeling frustrated n getting angry

3 things i don't understand

why women compete to buy gold or sarees etc
how come guys lose wieght easily
how come a woman's life change so much after marriage than a guy's

3 things on my desk
which one .... the one i left back there in india

my books
my testtubes n chemicals
a small flower

3 things i am doing right now

reading other blogs
watching my baby
sleepy n groggy need to get into bed

3 things i can do

gardening
painting
cook ofcourse

3 things u should listen to

wind
gushing of the river
conscience

3 things u should never listen to

stoppers n born doubhters

3 things i'd like to learn

swimming
to drive
mountaineering

3 favorite foods

indian
mexican
chinese

3 beverages i drink

water
smoothies
lassi

3 favrorite childhood shows

duck tales(the cartoon)
oshin
vikram bethal

wanna tag along?!!!!!!!!!!!!

honey, i made some money!

2007-05-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

this happened yesterday....
everyday i wish i could earn some money...even if its a small amount n when saw this website i was so happy..oh not this blogsites....another one.
all i had to do was answer some surveys n they pay u...so easy so why not try it out, i thought n i finished off all the surveys available for me in the site n i earned 40 bucks....cool right just in 15 minutes.
this is too good .... i wanted to redeem nope they said first make 75 minimum n then only can u redeem.ok,cool....i can wait n with 75 i can get a nice gift for him for his b'day in june.
the minute he came home n the evening i shouted ..honey i made some money...he was happy to see me happy.
today,first thing i did after i got a minute break was check if somemore surveys are available so i could get to 75...n u know what happened...
oops no more of the website....its gone...n so are my 40 bucks...what an iron leg i got...the day i entered the whole website disappeared.....phew

who am i?

2007-05-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

who am i?
everyday just before we sleep i ask him a question .... v talk for a while n sleep.this is our routine.
sounds silly but this was my routine
the question i asked him yesterday before sleeping was "who am i?"
n the answer " payal's mummy" ....he said that with such an enthusiasm
but it could not please me..... not that i dont like being her mummy....i love my baby n i love him a lot ......but then who am i?
her mother...his wife....till now i was someone's daughter's n someone's sister ...though they loved me cared for me ....it never made me happy ...i mean i was happy for what i had but wanted more ...ME...i wanted for once to identified just as ME n they be recognised as my parents n my brothers....i wanted my own identity. i had at CDFD....i was ME, a research scholar ....
now married n a baby who am i just a house wife?
i like caring for them ,cooking for them n cleaning up after them but then i want ME also.

my birthday

2007-05-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

yes ... yesterday (may4) was my birthday n i can say without any doubt this is the best day in my life after coming here....i am happy n not for an hour or two, the whole day ....no tears, no anger nothing.
he gave me such a beautiful gift....i mean not rose plant or the earrings or the chocolate truffle mousse or the shopping spree....is it bcos he took time to think what i like, no, maybe....but more bcos he took the afternoon off n drove me out of town .... to a place he promised long ago. it was a surprise ... a nice pleasant surprise....i loved it....the trip, the view, the cake, the plant n the earrings.....he made my day.
i was happy ...not for an hour or two but the whole day n the happiness even spilled into the next day as well ....hope it lasts forever

why

2007-05-02T06:06:00.000-07:00

questions ...questions n more of them.it was as if i could never answer all of them.
can u help me?
as a child i had these.....
why can't i count all the stars?
(i tried .... on a cloudy night when i could see only a few ,by the time counted 10 the clouds separated n lo there were lots of them....he he he should not try cheating.right)
why the frogs croak only in autumn?
why should the bubbles be round?
(for this my science teacher said i'll understand later on n i did in my inter?)
why can't there be friends near my house?
why can't i have more holidays
why can't i see anymore butterflies?
why can i see a rainbow in water n on bubbles when there is no rain?
now...
why can't i have more time for everything?
why should a girl be tall,fair n thin to be beautiful when they say beauty is the way u look at?
why doesn't he like talking?
why can't a mother-in-law care as your mother?
why should there be need?
why can't i answer my questions?
when will i find my answers?

take me out

2007-05-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

take me out
take me out
i want breathe some fresh air
where are my wings
i want to fly...
far n high
oh why did i clip them
take me out
take me out
the walls are closing in
hug me hold me
hold me together
i am breaking down
not just me
but my heart n soul
take me out
take me out.

how do u measure love?

2007-04-29T22:02:00.001-07:00

anybody remembers that....thats from RENT...its a musical.didnt know before i got it but i just loved this song .... n so the movie,ofcourse its abt gays n aids patients n thier regular lifes ....something about it ..maybe the screenplay,the songs....there are lots of them...i donno why i liked it....esp the song how do u measure love ...its just a beauty.
recently i saw so many movies, of those worth mentioning are ....CRASH, BABEL,click....
somehow i liked crash more don cheadle was too good. i always loved to read the last page of the novel first n the movie was similar its like reading a novel backwards.the technique used in BABEL was similar but it was a bit boring...well to me(maybe bcos i was cooking n feeding her n watching it not as seriously as crash), the sequence of events more like a chain raection , the lifes of so many unrealated people but by strange stroke of fate interrelated n rinko kikuchi potrayed such a difficult charachter with ease.
now abt CLICK.... why did he make such a drag of a film of course it won't make to my favorite adam sandler's movies...he has so many good ones esp the romantic comedies with drew barrymoore n now he made this not good...looking forward to watch his latest film with don cheadle.

how did it happen? 2

2007-04-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

want to know rest of the story?
here it is.........
i am pregnant...i was least prepared ... not just me so was he n everyone in our families.....mummy was the happiest....well by now u can already guess that.
i knew not what to do....to go ahead or....my flight was next week n me 4 weeks pregnant...
i think it taking 9 months was good...someone up there designed so with a purpose....i had nine months at my hand to prepare myself for life at home with my baby.....was it enough...i am not sure.
nine months of agony, pain n depression ...how does that effect the foetus...my baby...someone somewhere might be studying it or maybe has studied ....plz plz dont say it has adverse effects later on.
i would sit all alone reading a book or just flipping through websites,watching out of window...no interest to eat,sleep ,clean up,hiding my tears from him,hiding my heart from him n not just him ..everyone who mattered to me....but the baby says eat eat damnit i am hungry...move around just laugh out loud i want to hear u....talk to me
n then finally her ordeal was over inside me but not with me...a gripping climax n lo she was here in his hands...so tiny so cute so innocent n pure...untouched by anything no malice no grudges no fallen dreams just a white canvas.
i wanted to hold her close n feed her but no.... i could not .... by body failed me ...i cried n cried ...tried everything anybody told but it wont work...just wont work. n the baby.....i want u n from u only....it was heartwrenching to watch her cry for milk n i cannot feed her....i tried cheating her u know what i did.... i gave her my me n then would slip the bottle.....she was too clever for me...she found out ..so stupid of me ...how could i think she wont know n just accept it.at last she had it her way n me too...she drinks from bottle now but not when awake .....
i am laughing, jumping, dancing around her,talking n telling stories...oh yeah me n me only...i am laughing for she can't stand my tears...what a face she puts when i am upset....its almost like the story of a little boy i read long ago....who could not cry when away from mother the first time for he was too busy.......
my pain is still there so are the ashes of my fallen dreams but i still have to laugh n dance....i have no option ....i cannot rub my feelings on her....i have to hide them again from her also.....but how long.
like a seedling from dormancy,like the phoenix from ashes,like the sun from clouds....i have to come back ...the hidden ME ..the strong,stubborn,go getter,the confident,the geeky n dorky ME..... i can see that everyday in her ... i just have to step up n embrace myself.

how did it happen?

2007-04-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

how did it happen? how could it happen?
just like that....but how? how could i do it.....to myself?
let me tell my story...
i was always lost in my work n this worried her a lot... so what did she do...i did find out soon enough n the irony is i fell for it.
i had a few days off... actually i was waiting for my primers to arrive.... n i decided to make good use of it(maybe a bad idea) ....n there i was at home.
to my surprise next day i was told someone was coming to see me....oh what a conspiracy n me the unsuspecting innocent victim?
i was taken aback....i wont i wont....i hate it...i hate to dress up n sit like a doll n let them ask me questions...its so lame ...thats not me... i argued...i shouted... but then i lost.
yep i lost...for mummy had the best defense ..meet them then decide ...dont like thats ok.
then he comes.... no formals lo another surprise, just a jeans n a casual green checks n his mesmerising smile.
to my surprise he says he wants to talk yep like he heard me(i decided i will never marry a guy who does not talk to me on ) before i knew i was merrily chatting away ...n mummy never asked my opinion ...nope ..she just saw it in my smile.
we talked n talked n talked(maybe we talked everything then only n now nothing much is left to talk about i guess)
next month i have a new home,a new name n a new family....
i left my lab my phd.....how hard i worked to get there ..how many sleepless nights i spent ... no friends no movies...just avoided anything that might distract me or take my time for all i had were few hours a day late in night after college n babysitting for bhabhi,helping in chores.... my dream to be financially independent.... to achieve what mummy could not finish...
everything was shattered n by whom...me n myself ....i think i cried more to resign than leave my parents....n thousands of miles away from home here i am ....
now i am a dependent...thats what my passport says ...that word just kills me.i feel like a parasite ....
he loves me ..just adores ...he loved me when i put forty pounds(well i lost most of it now)... he loved me rage n anger...he loved me all the time.
but still the incapacity to do anything just can't even tell how it feels.

spring

2007-04-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

spring ....how i love it.not that i dont like summer(thats when my mandhara n malli are in full bloom) or autumn(wow the smell of the first rain on the sun drenched soil).
but spring...spring is different, its full of new leaves, the dried branches coming back to life ....coming back of the greens...the green blanket is back, hoorah ,the birds too busy finding a mate,
new life to the woods,new life in the blue skies n new life in the greens.
i have my own selfish motive too...all my roses will be in bloom n so r daisies n the vases are full but more important the squeals of joy of my baby when she sees the birds n trees...... oh u should see her .....may be i am bragging too much.
the glee in her eyes.....more beautiful than a diamond's sparkle.... reminds me of the joy i had when i saw my first sapling last spring.
but this spring, its even more beautiful .... i saw my baby's first laugh ....first time she called me --- amma......her first rollover.... her first steps ...oh yeah all in one spring .... i am not bragging,i mean it ....how i wait for her first teeth.
she is the spring of my life..
yes i mean.... though i am away from my books ...away from all those things i loved all my life ...her smiles just brush them away.her bear hugs n kisses make all the work worthwhile...her smiles when she sees me n her tears when i am away show me her love ..her unrequitted love for me.
i love spring, for it means hope... it means life.
for me, mmy baby is my spring ... a spring of joy n happiness....makes me forget just everything and anything.

where am I?

2007-04-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

i donno ---- where am I?
where is that person who loved to sleep way through the morning or just wake up for the first bird's song ... falling asleep gazing at the stars.....who loved to read n read the sherlock holmes, the jane austins,nancy drew n then the dostevsky's, dan browns jeffry archers.....
where are all the text books --- long lost... n so r the dreams to make big in life.....
where are my colours n my paintings n all my writings....lost them too i guess....
where is that person who would not do anything but read the news paper first thing in the morning ....
where is the person who hated to stay at home just cookin n cleaning n......
wake up wake up its bottle time --- feed her before she wakes for later she wont.....she hates the bottle...
now rush through the breakfast n lunch n just anything u can before they both wake up ..... for later u cannot do without her crying ....n then baby have ur gerber baby have ur rice have ur bottle now the diapers ....there he is back home ....one min your snack is here .....n now time for dinner n then dishes n bibs n some cleaning...
by then they r both fast asleep
caught up in all this where are u?
are u lost?
no.... then where are u?

why cant she sit still?

2007-04-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

can u plz sit for a min, at least a few seconds? at least till i take ur picture. come on dont run away like that
hey i have to change ur diaper.... plz dear.chitti now u are getting all messy.oh yeah.
come on now let me fix ur snack or may be ur bottle? gimme a breather dear.
ok ok now if u sit calmly till i clean up i will take u out n we can watch the birds n walk around n play.
come on dear play with ur toys now i'll be back in a min ---- plz plz i'll be in the restroom ----plz plz dont cry ---i'll be back in a min.
why cant u just stay for one minute?
thus goes our conversations --me n my baby all day all night.
was i like this? mummy was i like this when i was small?
where did u get this?
where else can u get this ....may be from me....

why do i get angry?

2007-04-21T13:30:00.001-07:00

why do i get angry? why on earth...
i have him with all his love n care n my cute little baby....n still i get angry why?
is it that i cant continue my studies or is it bcos i am stuck at home just like my mom when all i want is to go out n work n still take care of us n make my home as a home?
is it bcos all my friends are working as they aspired n me not?
is it bcos my baby wants anything but her formula n cereal n i have to spend all day trying to feed her at least something?
is it bcos he prefers silence to chatter n his laptop to my mediocre world?
is it bcos i feel helpless n miserable n weak?
or is it just bcos of my hormones going haywire after the baby?
i donno but what i know is i get angry...... yes i get angry at the most frivolous incident .... i feel rejected n neglected.
you know what ... the irony is i know i get angry but i know not why n you something else ....i hate it yes i hate myself like hell when i get mad for nothing n you know this has to stop bcos i know i am hurting not just myself but the love of my life.

me

2007-04-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

when i see them together --- all curled up holding each other together i donno who's holding whom or as to who loves the other more ---
who cares.
they r for each other n just adore each other. u know what, i am jealous of them --i treasure him. he is mine n just mine how can she steal him from me? does he love her more than me. maybe -- maybe not.
i mean i love her --
how can someone not love her but then how can she be there holding him like that while i can't n i want to. oh i want to leave everything else n join them --- hold them tight n curl up together n just just sleep like that with them.
whatever --
she is my baby n he,he is my sweetie my sweet heart.
maybe i am just being too possesive maybe --maybe not.

me

2007-04-20T12:43:00.000-07:00

me ----- who am i ? i donno . i am trying to know myself . maybe this will help me